LP26c

What the heck am I doing?
This is Johnny.
The brother of my best friend; the man I am secretly in love with.
I’m supposed to be thinking properly. Be in control of myself.
I tried to let go but my hands remained locked to his body.
In fact they tightened when I tried to unseal my fingers.
His gorgeous brown eyes were an inch from mine.
They were so close they filled my entire range of sight.
Each was filled with confusion yet had a hint of joy.
Like when that next step scares the crap out of you, but you want nothing more than to give it a try.
I felt his back and shoulder physique.
It was different than what I expected.
I’ve played around with Justin enough and “accidently” touched various parts of him.
He is thicker, if that’s the right word,
With more muscle, much softer to touch.
There is a dominance to him that makes me want to curl up like a baby as he rocks me to sleep.
However, Johnny is leaner. I could feel his bones.
His body taunted me to squeeze the air out of him.
It screamed to plaster myself against him as we both slept together in each other’s arms.
I wasn’t sure what to think.
I only knew one thing: I liked it.

Hey, let’s remember something again.
This is Johnny!
The little guy who intruded on my best friend and I for years.
And now I won’t let him away from me?
I don’t think so! I can have control.
I let go of him and abruptly stood up.
He rolled on his back and sat in the creek bed.
He didn’t look too affected by the interaction we just shared.
He stared off into the darkness.
God, I need him to say something right now.
Johnny – Ricky, you are that little groove my foot was searching for. I think I can make it back up the cliff now.
Ricky – I didn’t know you were so poetic.
Johnny – I’m not. But anything is possible when you are in love.
Aw, he found the answer he was searching for.
His methods were a bit extreme, but I give him credit.
I just hope he is talking about Sam, because a new feeling was taking over my stomach.
And, yes, I already ate...

Johnny – While I know I still have to believe in him and trust him, I just can’t fathom why he would need to lie to me.
Ricky – Like I was saying, you really don’t know. And there is no way to know unless you get the answer directly from him.
Johnny – I’m afraid what it is though.
Ricky – Why? Look, you trusted him up to this point. I know you. You are a very intelligent person who I’m sure can pick up character flaws. You never suspected anything before.
Johnny – Yeah, because he is my everything right now. He is all I dream about. He is, in my eyes, the perfect man. So I am afraid he is threatening my ability to pick it up.
Ricky – So maybe he is lying, maybe he isn’t. You said Justin’s evidence is only pretty convincing. It doesn’t mean it is true. And if he is, my guess is he has to have some explainable reason. Otherwise you would not fall for him. You are too smart to fall for someone that isn’t as brilliant as you.
Johnny – I think what I need to do is forget this. Go back to who I was, what we had together. I need to watch him, see if I notice anything. Figure out if he really is lying. My test will be challenging for him, but if he passes I can forget this all.
He put his head in his arms.
Johnny – Because I don’t think I could live with myself if I attacked him and he really is Sam Allen. I’d feel so horrible that I didn’t trust him.
Ricky – It’s a valid point. See you are a smart guy. I think that is your best option right now.
Johnny – I think I am learning a lot from this experience. More than anything I could in school or sitting at home on the internet. Sam is teaching me. He is teaching me what type of person I need to be.
Ricky – How do you mean?
Johnny – Whether or not he is lying about who he is, he is teaching me that I shouldn’t be afraid of who I am. I need to be proud. I need to wear it across my chest. My name is Johnny Harris and I am not afraid of who I am!
He stood up out of the water and looked back at me.
Johnny – I love baseball. I am an artist. I am an excellent cook. I love my friends. And I am bisexual! That is who I am. I am proud of it and will never pretend I am something different.

God is his confidence amazingly sexy.
What the heck am I doing mentoring him through this?
He doesn’t need me. I think I’m just his diary to speak and explain ideas to.
But I am okay with that.
Sometimes people need another soul to listen in.
The fact is, he doesn’t know what he is doing for me.
He has no idea how similar we are.
He is so inspiring and really is making me okay with who I am.
What does it honestly matter?
Who the heck cares?
In a world where everyone lies and covers who they are, why should I?
Why should I follow through in this culture that is afraid of homosexuality?
I am no different than the average 18 year old.
I need to be proud of who I am.
He said it perfectly clear.
I am gay and that is who I am.

Johnny – What are you smiling at?
Ricky – Nothing. You are just kind of adorable.
Johnny – Hey, that’s me then. If that is how you see me, I will wear it with pride.
Ricky – Johnny, I give you credit. You really are inspirational. And I wish you the best of luck with this.
Johnny – Thanks, I just hope it all ends the way I want.
Ricky – It has to. I believe in you too much.
He walked up to me and gave me a huge hug.
Johnny – Thank you so much for listening to me. I’m sure you have such better things to do with your time, but I really appreciate it.
Ricky – I am happy to. I actually enjoy what you speak of and hearing your story. You may be younger than me, but I can say you are without a doubt more mature in how you deal with your life’s obstacles.
We were still standing in the water.
Johnny – Oh, you wanna see my maturity?
He pulled me over and we both fell back into the water.
The water was only about a foot deep, so we hit the rock bottom hard.
I quickly pulled away from him and lifted my head out of the water.
Ricky – This time you really are gonna get it.
Johnny – Bring it on.

We played around for about ten minutes until the realization of how late it was sunk in.
We walked back to our houses together and soon separated to change into some dry clothes.
I took a quick shower and then headed back to Billie’s.
Billie – He okay? That took awhile.
Ricky – Yeah, he is good. He is great.
Billie – What’s got you so happy?
Ricky – Just everything. It’s all just so perfect.
Billie – Well let’s get back into this movie.
Ricky – Anything you say.

While the movie was playing I couldn’t concentrate on it.
I kept replaying my time with Johnny over the past hour.
Reiterating what he said, how he reacted, how confident he was.
It was still inspiring me.
And it actually gave me a bit of motivation.
I wanted to express myself in some way.
I went to my bag and pulled out a brown leather book.
See I have this journal that I always bring around with me.
It’s not exactly a diary.
I just write or draw in it when I get inspired.
It’s sort of my life in a poetic, artistic way.
I wrote down something that was a mixture of a poem and inspirational speech.
I wanted to use this feeling that Johnny gave me to inspire myself next time I needed it.
I reread it a few times and was very satisfied.
I titled it “In My World” and placed the journal back in my bag.
Billie was sitting on the floor watching the movie.
She knows I multitask, so she didn’t accuse me of not watching the movie.
Writing was not enough for me. Everything I wrote and what Johnny was saying got me thinking.
How can I write that and not do it myself?
I am the biggest hypocrite if I can’t do it.
See the thing I never realized is this: I always tried to prepare myself.
Set myself up to some big announcement.
But the truth is, it doesn’t matter.
It is who I am.
It’s three words that will define what have been my struggles.
As soon as I say it, as quick as it comes out, it will be over.
I will be able to move on in life.

Ricky – Hey Billie.
She didn’t respond.
I shook her a little bit.
Billie – Hmm?
Ricky – Wake up.
Billie – What, I’m awake.
Ricky – There’s something I should have told you a long time ago.
Billie – And what’s that?
Here it goes.
Remember it is insignificant. It will feel so good to let it out.
To let my best friend know.
To finally, after all this time, be entirely honest.

Ricky – I am gay.

Ricky – Billie, are you awake?