Stranded 20

One word comes to my mind:
Change.
And what do I mean by this you ask.
I’ve been through so much of it over my lifetime.
You’d think by now I’d be used to it.
But no, it is impossible to handle the type of change I encounter.

It’s been a couple days since my second phone call with Tyler.
And I can’t help but think how our roles have changed.
When I first met Tyler he was the leader.
He was strong.
He was amazing.
He was so good and confident at being himself.
But now on these phone calls, he was scared or shy or hiding something.
I knew there was something weird about him.
He was using my typical one word answers with little confidence.
He was that gray that encompassed me.
And he was forcing me to ask the questions.
He made me feel like the strong one.
I had to pressure him into letting me come to see him.
That is not my Tyler.
Think about when he looked me in the eye and told me I could come to him anytime.
Anything about the island leads him into this fuzzy mood where I don’t know what he wants.
I mention Dylan or this item from the island or even him denying it.
And he becomes so awkward.
He avoids the topics.
It’s like he doesn’t want to remember the island.
It was some part of his life that he has packed up and placed in a closet to never look back at.
I don’t understand how his memory of it can call for that type of behavior.
First I tell him I miss him and he changed the subject. Then he says it’s good to hear my voice.
Yeah, that is a change in opinion.
What happened to the confident Tyler?
He has been so shy and intimidated in these calls.
What has this regular world done to him?
It was like his voice was in a new person.
And I want to talk to my Tyler.

My name is Luke Gray and it’s time to accept this change.

575 Days Before Being Rescued

Let’s continue this talk of change.
You know it needs to happen in one specific area.
Again, one word will explain it all.
Derek.
I had to change.
I had to get over him.
I had to move on and accept this new world as my family.
I knew it, but I was scared to.
With my admitted attraction to Tyler and jealousy of Dylan, I had to force myself to change.
Because I am very opinionated and if what I want isn’t happening, I will not be the nicest guy.
So I had to want to be over Derek.
It was a mental struggle.
I remember saying to myself one phrase over and over again:
Derek, I love you.
It tore me apart convincing myself to do it.
But in the end, I don’t regret it.
It was the change that I needed to move on in my life and ultimately give me the most amazing relationship I could ever ask for.

Speaking of this change and Tyler’s uncertainty, going back to the stories of the island really shows what he used to be.
What I fell in love with.
It was Tyler’s confidence and general acceptance.
Tyler – What’s your favorite type of cheese? I could really go for some melted cheddar over a grilled chicken.
Luke – Um, I usually put provolone on my sandwiches.
I noticed Dylan approaching me slowly from far away.
He would keep turning around and start working on something else.
I did enjoy talking to Tyler, but I wanted Dylan to come over to me.
I could use a conversation with him because I knew it would end in us being friends again.
Regardless what was said or how we ended it, I don’t think either one of us would allow this to continue.
But he finally gained the courage he was struggling to find and made the full trip over to me.
Dylan – Hi Luke.
Luke – Hey man.
I was as gentle as possible. I wasn’t nor did I want to be annoyed at him.
Dylan – Can I talk to you?
I looked at Tyler, as we were having some sort of a cheesy conversation.
Tyler – Don’t look at me. Go have fun.
He winked at me, as he knew this was the conversation I desired.
I’m sure Tyler knew I wanted my friendship with Dylan again.
I never mentioned to Tyler we were officially in a fight or even what it was about.
He understood it and didn’t want to intrude where he shouldn’t.
Luke – K, see ya.
I got up and walked off with Dylan.

It wasn’t as I imagined it.
I was convinced the next time I spoke to him would be extremely awkward in the beginning.
But we walked off in the same unstated direction:
The stream.
Neither of us needed to say it.
It only seemed right that we end this in the place it all started.
I thought the walk would be completely silent.
But before we were even a third of the way there he broke the silence.
Dylan – Luke, I’m so sorry.
I wasn’t going to let him feel like the bad guy in this.
Luke – Why? I am the one that was a jerk.
Dylan – I didn’t mean to say anything like...
He paused sounding surprised after he interpreted what I said.
He looked at me.
Luke – I’m sorry, Dylan. You were right. I have been isolating myself from everyone, including you. I have been living in the past just as you said.
I turned to look directly at him. I wanted to make sure he understood how much he actually helped me.
Luke – Honestly, I am really glad you did noticed it, because I don’t think I would have ever seen it myself. I was afraid to move on. It was just as you said. So Dylan, you really are an amazing person and I owe you so much that you had the courage to say it to me.
He was speechless.
Luke – I know that couldn’t have been an easy task. Thank you, man.
I had to do it. He stood there so shocked in what I said.
I went right up to him and gave him a hug.
He didn’t really hug back. I think he was still so surprised in what I said.
Dylan – Oh, well, I want to apologize myself too.
Luke – You don’t need to.
Dylan – I still want to. I feel really bad about this.
We didn’t make it to the stream but instead stopped nowhere special.
It was just one of the trails that were naturally created from our stomping down the plant life.
Dylan – I just stepped over my bounds. I should have known not to say that to you. You really care for Derek and I knew it.
Luke – Dylan, it’s fine. You don’t have to...
Dylan – I want to say this if you don’t mind.
I let him continue on. He must have prepared himself because he knew exactly what to say.
Dylan – I see how you feel about Derek. And maybe it’s a bit of jealousy, because I never had anything like that. I was just, well... I dunno how to explain it.
He stopped. Again his past was so mysterious. I had no idea about it. It left me curious, but I never wanted to pressure him as he told me to let it be.
I looked into his eyes. He seemed like he wanted to tell me something. I knew he was upset by it.
It reminded me of a few days ago when Tyler saw me so upset.
So I stole his line.
Luke – Dylan, you can always come to me, you got that?
I kept my fix on his eyes just as Tyler did for me.
Dylan looked back into mine.
I didn’t break the stare.
I wanted him to know he could trust me and I wasn’t going anywhere.
That is what Tyler did to me, and it got me to trust him.

He looked away after a few seconds.
Dylan – Thanks.
And again, this is where I didn’t push him.
Just as I didn’t want to tell Tyler about the cause of my fight with Dylan, I’m sure whatever it was that kept him so secretive, it must be hard to say.
I knew it would come with time.
As Dylan said to me, who knows how long we would be there.
There was no rush to it.
Each of us had a hidden past. Mine being Derek, Dylan’s something else.
It’s only that mine was revealed first.
I knew his would come with time.
That is what I thought then.
Because I could never imagine what was going to happen in two hours time.