Stranded 15

Dylan revealed to me his secret.
It must have taken tremendous courage.
And I can only commend him for it.
Because in my life, I never have told anyone something that personal.
I’m too afraid.
In every situation I’m always forced to it.
I never had to initiate the conversation.
This is why Dylan will always be a better person than me.

My name is Luke Gray and I’m a stubborn bitch.

681 days Before Being Rescued.

Dylan – Derek?
Luke – Yeah, Derek.
Dylan – Who’s Derek?
Luke – My boyfriend.
Dylan – What! You never told me you had a boyfriend!
Luke – Well I also didn’t tell you I was gay.
Dylan – But that is kind of a big deal! I mean all this time we have been searching for your brother and I’m thinking you are missing him terribly.
Luke – I am. And can we not talk about my brother? I told you it only makes me upset.
Dylan – Sorry. But what I mean is you must be missing your boyfriend even more.
It was entirely true.
I saw Derek everywhere. I saw him in my dreams. I saw him around me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
I don’t think there is a way to describe how much I missed him.
It’s like the feeling I was going through about my brother.
I couldn’t describe it.
It was so painful and hurt so much that I can’t find a way to make you understand.
But as I showed you, Derek and I had our first encounter some 5 years ago and we had been best mates since we were five years old.
I don’t really know when we considered ourselves dating, so I can’t give you a range, like “We’d been dating for 3 years”
But this boy who I loved with all my heart, who I saw pretty much everyday of my entire life was gone from me.
And what hurt even more was not being able to tell him I was okay.
I knew he was hurting.
I knew his heart was crushed.
To be told I was in a plane crash and that I was missing.
I mean it was the same way with my parents.
But I was more worried about Derek.
Because my parents had each other.
Derek had no one.
We did have a couple other friends, but him and I were what counted. He and I only had and only wanted each other.
And now I was gone without reason, without hope, leaving him entirely alone.
It crushed me so much more than my brother being missing.

Dylan – Well it must completely suck to not be able to talk to him.
Luke – You have no idea.
Dylan – I’m here for you, if you want to talk about it.
Luke – Nah, I don’t think it’s fair to you.
Dylan – I don’t mind.
Luke – I’m still not gonna talk about him.
Dylan – Why?
Luke – Because.
Dylan – Luke, stop being stubborn.
Luke – Why do you care?
Dylan – Because I do! Why wouldn’t I? He means a lot to you and you mean a lot to me.
He quickly stumbled on his words.
Dylan – I mean you and I are best friends. I just want you to know I’m here for you.
Luke – Derek is my best friend.
He sounded a little disappointed hearing that.
Dylan – That’s fine. But that doesn’t change our relationship. We are both stuck here. Just you and me. So you shouldn’t hold anything back.
I was so stubborn then. Well I still am. But I was stubborn on stupid things then.
Luke – What do you want to know?
Dylan – I don’t know, anything. Who is he?
Luke – He’s Derek. My best friend.
Dylan – And your boyfriend?
Luke – Pretty much.
Dylan – Well that’s cool.
Luke – So you see why I can’t be with you.
Dylan – Yeah...
Luke – Okay, so let’s go back.
I stood up and walked away from him. He didn’t immediately say anything.
Dylan – Dude, wait.
I stopped and looked back at him.
Dylan – You know me. I always just do what you want. But now I’m telling you get back over here. You are gonna talk to me for once.
I had never seen him talk like that to me.
He wasn’t angry, but for once voicing his opinion.
It was different, I’ll say that much.
But it made me listen to him.
Luke – What?
Dylan – Come back and sit down.
I did what he said. I think some part of me wanted him to say that.
I never tell anyone that much about me.
I’m very secretive and hold in my feelings.
Just writing this to you is taking a lot out of me because it is completely against who I am. But I know I need to. I need to tell someone.
And I needed to tell someone then too.
It was a subconscious desire that made me glad he was there and that he cared.
Dylan – How about I talk first and then you will talk after?
Luke – Uh, I guess.
Dylan – So you know what it’s like to keep this a secret?
Luke – Yeah.
Dylan – What about liking someone?
Luke – What do you mean?
Dylan – You know, holding in your feelings.
Luke – I’ve never liked anyone besides Derek.
Dylan – You are telling me you only ever liked one person?
Luke – Yup.
Dylan – I dunno. That’s kinda hard to believe.
Luke – Well believe it.
Dylan – How did you and Derek start?
Luke – I guess we were best friends and it just happened.
Dylan – So you didn’t have some huge crush on him and have to go through holding it in?
Luke – No, I guess I didn’t.
Dylan – Can you tell me more about Derek? Please, I just want to know.
His expression made me trust him. He needed to hear it, I could just tell.
Luke – Derek and I were best friends since we were toddlers. We are neighbors and our parents are good friends, so as kids, we saw each other a lot. And we just clicked.
Dylan – I wish I had someone like that.
Luke – What do you mean?
Dylan – When I was a kid, well.. uh. So what happened between you two? How did you become boyfriends?
Luke – I don’t really remember when it happened. But one time he told me what a blowjob was.
Dylan – What!? Told you?
Luke – Well gave me...
Dylan – How old were you?
Luke – I dunno. Young.
He let out a smirk.
Luke – Shut up.
Dylan – No, it’s kinda cute.
Luke – Yeah, well we didn’t know what it meant. We both just weren’t into girls and we agreed we both liked it, so we kept doing it.
Dylan – And no one took note of it?
Luke – We did it alone, no one knew.
Dylan – Did you know it was “gay”?
Luke – No.
Dylan – So what happened next?
Luke – Not much. We were just best friends who occasionally .. you know.
Dylan – Did you like him then?
Luke – I liked him as my friend. I didn’t know I liked him sexually, if that’s what you mean.
Dylan – That’s sweet.
Luke – What is sweet about it?
Dylan – I’m just guessing here, but it seems like you two gained feelings over time and eventually realized you were boyfriends.
Luke – Pretty much.
Dylan – I think it’s the perfect fairy tale.
Luke – Except this happened.
Dylan – Well you got to meet me.
Luke – Yeah...
Dylan – I know what you are thinking, you’d give it up to be back with him.
I didn’t answer.
Dylan – I would too if I was you.
I only looked back into his eyes.
Dylan – So you really have no idea how good it feels to finally say that to you.
Luke – Say what?
Dylan – That I like you. It has been tearing me apart for so long. I have debated telling you countless times. I didn’t know how. I tried a few times but I just got out of it and changed the subject.
Luke – Well, I’m glad you did.
Dylan – So you will talk to me a bit more now?
Luke – Yeah. I’ll tell you about Derek.
Dylan – I mean about everything.
Luke – Maybe.

Dylan was accepting of everything. I knew he liked me. It was very obvious from that point. But he never asked about the two of us.
He asked about Derek all the time.
We would stay up late and I’d tell him stories of Derek and I.
He would always ask for all sorts of details in each story.
And for me, as much as it made me miss Derek and miss being home, I liked talking about my past.
When I was with Dylan, everything felt okay.
I could tell him anything.
It was a feeling I never had with anyone else.
It is hard to explain to you.
Because you see me as someone who reveals everything.
But that is because I have to. I have to tell everything to make you understand.
And you will never meet me. You will never have to look at me as I tell you. You will not add that pressure or intimidation that every other person I met placed on me.
Dylan was the one and only person I felt entirely comfortable with.
I just wish I still had him.
So I could kiss him again.