Stranded 12

Today I wanted a bit of privacy.
Or maybe just some space from Sterling.
After breakfast I went to the family room and laid there watching TV.
I don’t think Sterling had any objections, because he went up to my room and I didn’t hear from him for a few hours.
I was enjoying my time alone, as I am constantly surrounded by the guy. But suddenly he was gone, leaving a bit of an empty feeling.
So by mid afternoon I decided to check on him.
I walked up the steps to my room very quietly. I was curious if I could guess what he was doing.
But there wasn’t any noise.
However, when I opened the door to my room I was kinda surprised.
He lit candles that smelled like the ocean.
He opened the windows to let the summer wind flow through the room.
And there he stood wearing an adorable suit.
I’m such a sucker for a tight suit with skinny tie.
He told me I deserved it. That he knew what I was writing about. He knew it was hard and a lot of work to remember and relive all my experiences on the island.
He went on to say he only wanted to help me remember it by bringing some of that world back here.
I don’t know where the suit came in, but I couldn’t complain.
Sure you know what happened next.
And I know it goes completely against what I’ve been saying. But this was just one of those times where he did something special for me.
This is what makes me not give up on him.
That somewhere in me I still have feelings for the guy.

And now that I’m back to writing everything down, this is when I start feeling bad about it.
I really do make him out as this horrible person.
At least to you.
He really isn’t. I just think our relationship is dwindling.
There were times, even recently when I didn’t think this way of him. When I gave him back what he wanted.
Sometimes I wonder if he remembers those times and if that is what he tries to get out of me.
It almost isn’t fair to him.
He has no idea what I’m writing, but if I flip back and read this over, I only make him out as this horny pathetic guy where the relationship is half assed on my part.

Maybe I should go back when my relationship with Sterling was still fresh. Where I wanted to hold his hand and I was proud to.
Back when I could walk out of the house with him and not be embarrassed.
There is one particular story I’m thinking of.
It’s not directly about Sterling and I. I don’t think our relationship has anything to do with my story so I’m not gonna waste your time on it. But this story was during a time when there was real magic between us.
It’s one of a few points in my life that I really want to tell you.
Now some stories you know happen and you expect me to tell you. Like when Dylan and I went walking through the trees hunting or Tyler and I slept under the stars or when I was rescued and shot the flare.
I’m not saying I don’t want to tell you. I very much do. I want to give you all those little details.
But here and there I have a couple stories you might not expect. You might not even want to hear them. But I want to tell them.
And this one in particular you already subconsciously know. It’s not exactly that hard to guess. But I need to be blunt with it and tell you, just to make it official.
Because you need to know. You need to be ready for me to tell you how and when it happened. You need to know it did and that you can’t be mad at me for not officially saying it earlier.

My name is Luke Gray and it’s time to visit the cemetery.

254 Days After Being Rescued

I don’t want to reiterate myself.
I assume you remember everything I tell you.
But when I think about it, I don’t even remember everything I write down.
Some things are kinda insignificant to the big picture and others you might not expect to mean as much. And sometimes you might not be able to pick out which you should remember.
So let me just say this one again.
Someone died in my arms.

Well this is the first time I told someone.

Sterling – You okay sweetie?
I was so nervous for this.
Luke – I’ll be okay. I have to do this.
Sterling – Well I’m gonna be right here next to you the whole time.
Luke – You better.
This is when I pulled him in for the kiss.
He put his arm around my waste keeping me close.
Sterling – I think your mom is waiting in the car for us.
Luke – I guess it’s now or never.
We released each other and headed out of my room.
We did hold hands once we reached the bottom of the stairs.
I wanted so bad to keep him close to me.
I couldn’t handle being alone for this.

It was an incredibly long car ride.
But Sterling was right there with me the whole time.
I didn’t have much to say.
And he understood that. He kept quiet too.
Mom – We are almost there. Are you sure you want to go through with this, honey?
Luke – Yeah, I need to see it. It’s the only way.

We pulled into the lot.
All three of us got out of the car.
The air felt thick and heavy like it was beating down on me.
My mom walked ahead.
My eyes followed the direction she slowly walked.
She knelt down against a stone.
She was at the grave.
Where he was laid to rest.
Where he will be forever.

Sterling put his arm around my shoulder.
I turned and looked into his eyes.
I couldn’t take it.
I dropped my head into his shoulder.
He only hugged me back.
Sterling – You don’t have to go if you don’t want.
I knew I had to. It would only help seeing it. It would make it real.

I released myself from Sterling as he walked slowly next to me.
My mom was still kneeling with her hand on the gravestone.
She was muttering something under her breath.
We reached about 15 feet away and stopped.
I looked at Sterling. He gave me half a smile.
I walked the rest of the way without him.
My mom saw me approach and backed away.

There he was.
His name written in stone.
I sat down and traced his name with my finger.
It really did happen.
When I was on the island all I ever dreamt of was coming home and seeing everyone again.
I always knew if I ever came back there would be three people waiting for me.
But there wasn’t.
There was only two.
This went completely against what I ever thought could happen.
It felt so surreal.
I mean I was told it happened.
But it was like my brother being missing.
I couldn’t believe what that meant until I saw absolute proof.
And this was the absolute proof I needed.

I had tears in my eyes.
I whispered.
Luke – Why did you have to go?
Luke – I wasn’t gone for that long. You could have waited.
I closed my eyes and remembered back to the old times.
Luke – I wish I could tell you everything.
Luke – You always listened to me. I was shy of you sometimes, but I loved you.
I remained very quiet. I sensed Sterling and my mom back off to give me space.
And I was glad.
Luke – It’s just not fair. I wish I could have been there for you.
I felt a connection sitting there above where his body was laid to rest. I knew he could hear me.
Luke – Or at least with you. You didn’t deserve to be alone.
And for some reason, I began to tell him.
Luke – It wasn’t completely horrible for me. It was an experience you could never imagine. But I’m sure you would have been proud of me.
Luke – I only wish I could have brought you and had you there with me.
Luke – But don’t worry, I wasn’t completely alone like everyone thinks.
Luke – There was more than Tyler and I on the island.
Tyler and I never told anyone that more than him and I survived the crash.
Luke – There were seven of us.
Luke – We all survived the crash.
Luke – I couldn’t tell anyone.
Luke – But you need to know and I want to tell you.
Luke – I found the love of my life there.
Luke – But he hates me now and I don’t know why.
Luke – And I made a new best friend on the island. His name was Dylan.
Both my eyes filled to capacity with tear drops.
Luke – But maybe you can meet him, because he’s where you are.
Luke – He died.

Both eyes burst and gushed tears.
Luke – I was with him when he died.
Luke – There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t let go of him.
Luke – But he looked okay with it. His eyes showed it was okay and that he wasn’t scared and I shouldn’t be either.
Luke – Just promise me you will find him and tell him I made it off the island.

Luke – And tell him I miss him.

Luke – And that I love him.