LP26c

What the heck am I doing?
This is Johnny.
The brother of my best friend; the man I am secretly in love with.
I’m supposed to be thinking properly. Be in control of myself.
I tried to let go but my hands remained locked to his body.
In fact they tightened when I tried to unseal my fingers.
His gorgeous brown eyes were an inch from mine.
They were so close they filled my entire range of sight.
Each was filled with confusion yet had a hint of joy.
Like when that next step scares the crap out of you, but you want nothing more than to give it a try.
I felt his back and shoulder physique.
It was different than what I expected.
I’ve played around with Justin enough and “accidently” touched various parts of him.
He is thicker, if that’s the right word,
With more muscle, much softer to touch.
There is a dominance to him that makes me want to curl up like a baby as he rocks me to sleep.
However, Johnny is leaner. I could feel his bones.
His body taunted me to squeeze the air out of him.
It screamed to plaster myself against him as we both slept together in each other’s arms.
I wasn’t sure what to think.
I only knew one thing: I liked it.

Hey, let’s remember something again.
This is Johnny!
The little guy who intruded on my best friend and I for years.
And now I won’t let him away from me?
I don’t think so! I can have control.
I let go of him and abruptly stood up.
He rolled on his back and sat in the creek bed.
He didn’t look too affected by the interaction we just shared.
He stared off into the darkness.
God, I need him to say something right now.
Johnny – Ricky, you are that little groove my foot was searching for. I think I can make it back up the cliff now.
Ricky – I didn’t know you were so poetic.
Johnny – I’m not. But anything is possible when you are in love.
Aw, he found the answer he was searching for.
His methods were a bit extreme, but I give him credit.
I just hope he is talking about Sam, because a new feeling was taking over my stomach.
And, yes, I already ate...

Johnny – While I know I still have to believe in him and trust him, I just can’t fathom why he would need to lie to me.
Ricky – Like I was saying, you really don’t know. And there is no way to know unless you get the answer directly from him.
Johnny – I’m afraid what it is though.
Ricky – Why? Look, you trusted him up to this point. I know you. You are a very intelligent person who I’m sure can pick up character flaws. You never suspected anything before.
Johnny – Yeah, because he is my everything right now. He is all I dream about. He is, in my eyes, the perfect man. So I am afraid he is threatening my ability to pick it up.
Ricky – So maybe he is lying, maybe he isn’t. You said Justin’s evidence is only pretty convincing. It doesn’t mean it is true. And if he is, my guess is he has to have some explainable reason. Otherwise you would not fall for him. You are too smart to fall for someone that isn’t as brilliant as you.
Johnny – I think what I need to do is forget this. Go back to who I was, what we had together. I need to watch him, see if I notice anything. Figure out if he really is lying. My test will be challenging for him, but if he passes I can forget this all.
He put his head in his arms.
Johnny – Because I don’t think I could live with myself if I attacked him and he really is Sam Allen. I’d feel so horrible that I didn’t trust him.
Ricky – It’s a valid point. See you are a smart guy. I think that is your best option right now.
Johnny – I think I am learning a lot from this experience. More than anything I could in school or sitting at home on the internet. Sam is teaching me. He is teaching me what type of person I need to be.
Ricky – How do you mean?
Johnny – Whether or not he is lying about who he is, he is teaching me that I shouldn’t be afraid of who I am. I need to be proud. I need to wear it across my chest. My name is Johnny Harris and I am not afraid of who I am!
He stood up out of the water and looked back at me.
Johnny – I love baseball. I am an artist. I am an excellent cook. I love my friends. And I am bisexual! That is who I am. I am proud of it and will never pretend I am something different.

God is his confidence amazingly sexy.
What the heck am I doing mentoring him through this?
He doesn’t need me. I think I’m just his diary to speak and explain ideas to.
But I am okay with that.
Sometimes people need another soul to listen in.
The fact is, he doesn’t know what he is doing for me.
He has no idea how similar we are.
He is so inspiring and really is making me okay with who I am.
What does it honestly matter?
Who the heck cares?
In a world where everyone lies and covers who they are, why should I?
Why should I follow through in this culture that is afraid of homosexuality?
I am no different than the average 18 year old.
I need to be proud of who I am.
He said it perfectly clear.
I am gay and that is who I am.

Johnny – What are you smiling at?
Ricky – Nothing. You are just kind of adorable.
Johnny – Hey, that’s me then. If that is how you see me, I will wear it with pride.
Ricky – Johnny, I give you credit. You really are inspirational. And I wish you the best of luck with this.
Johnny – Thanks, I just hope it all ends the way I want.
Ricky – It has to. I believe in you too much.
He walked up to me and gave me a huge hug.
Johnny – Thank you so much for listening to me. I’m sure you have such better things to do with your time, but I really appreciate it.
Ricky – I am happy to. I actually enjoy what you speak of and hearing your story. You may be younger than me, but I can say you are without a doubt more mature in how you deal with your life’s obstacles.
We were still standing in the water.
Johnny – Oh, you wanna see my maturity?
He pulled me over and we both fell back into the water.
The water was only about a foot deep, so we hit the rock bottom hard.
I quickly pulled away from him and lifted my head out of the water.
Ricky – This time you really are gonna get it.
Johnny – Bring it on.

We played around for about ten minutes until the realization of how late it was sunk in.
We walked back to our houses together and soon separated to change into some dry clothes.
I took a quick shower and then headed back to Billie’s.
Billie – He okay? That took awhile.
Ricky – Yeah, he is good. He is great.
Billie – What’s got you so happy?
Ricky – Just everything. It’s all just so perfect.
Billie – Well let’s get back into this movie.
Ricky – Anything you say.

While the movie was playing I couldn’t concentrate on it.
I kept replaying my time with Johnny over the past hour.
Reiterating what he said, how he reacted, how confident he was.
It was still inspiring me.
And it actually gave me a bit of motivation.
I wanted to express myself in some way.
I went to my bag and pulled out a brown leather book.
See I have this journal that I always bring around with me.
It’s not exactly a diary.
I just write or draw in it when I get inspired.
It’s sort of my life in a poetic, artistic way.
I wrote down something that was a mixture of a poem and inspirational speech.
I wanted to use this feeling that Johnny gave me to inspire myself next time I needed it.
I reread it a few times and was very satisfied.
I titled it “In My World” and placed the journal back in my bag.
Billie was sitting on the floor watching the movie.
She knows I multitask, so she didn’t accuse me of not watching the movie.
Writing was not enough for me. Everything I wrote and what Johnny was saying got me thinking.
How can I write that and not do it myself?
I am the biggest hypocrite if I can’t do it.
See the thing I never realized is this: I always tried to prepare myself.
Set myself up to some big announcement.
But the truth is, it doesn’t matter.
It is who I am.
It’s three words that will define what have been my struggles.
As soon as I say it, as quick as it comes out, it will be over.
I will be able to move on in life.

Ricky – Hey Billie.
She didn’t respond.
I shook her a little bit.
Billie – Hmm?
Ricky – Wake up.
Billie – What, I’m awake.
Ricky – There’s something I should have told you a long time ago.
Billie – And what’s that?
Here it goes.
Remember it is insignificant. It will feel so good to let it out.
To let my best friend know.
To finally, after all this time, be entirely honest.

Ricky – I am gay.

Ricky – Billie, are you awake?

Stranded 22

Who is this Sterling guy?
I really began to wonder.
He was so excited about meeting Tyler Carson.
Abnormally excited.
And Tyler Carson is no different than Luke Gray.
I’m one of the two survivors.
Why is it he would get so much more excited to see the other one?
But I saw through him. I thought about what he usually wants.
I thought about when and how he wants it.
I considered where I first met him.
What he really is started to surface.
I’ll spell some out for you.
I was on an interview once and all he wanted to do was make love that night while I was on TV.
I was writing in this journal that I will one day publish about my “celebrity” experience and what does he do?
He gets all romantic over it.
But I don’t know that it was romantic specifically towards me.
I think it was for him.
He wanted to sleep with someone a little different than him.
Someone famous.
A celebrity.
And to him, I must be his celebrity.

My name is Luke Gray. Let’s go see Tyler.

438 Days After Being Rescued

As a result of my hypothesis I had one last test.
I agreed to let Sterling come with me.
I wanted to see how he acted to another “celebrity”.
Was it me that he was special to or was it anyone famous?
I had to know.
And letting him come was the one way I had means to prove it.

Well right off the bat my theory seemed to be true.
I was waiting in the car for him and when he finally came outside, he was wearing the same tight suit he wore for me a few weeks ago.
Only this time it didn’t look so adorable.
He climbed in and buckled up.
He turned to me with a huge smile like a kid going to an amusement park.
Luke – Nice suit...
Sterling – Well, this is Tyler Carson we are going to see.
I rolled my eyes at him and started the ignition.
Luke – Yeah, and I’m Luke Gray.
I said it subtly. I don’t think he picked up what I was hinting at.
Sterling – You aren’t gonna wear something nicer?
Luke – What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?
Sterling – Well, isn’t this your ex? Don’t you want to make him jealous?
It was an interesting point.
But Sterling looked so cheesy dressing that way.
Luke – I don’t need to make him jealous. As I told you, we are only going to get something from him. That is all.
He didn’t say much else on the way to Tyler’s.
Just a few remarks about useless things we passed by.

Luke – This is his apartment complex I think.
I pulled into the parking lot.
It was only an average building. Nothing like what I was expecting from Tyler.
We both climbed out of the car and proceeded to his apartment door.
I knocked on the front door very lightly.
Sterling was rocking back and forth from his heals to his toes.
He was making it easy to hide the emotions I was experiencing.
In a way, standing there waiting for Tyler to come, I was glad Sterling was next to me.
Because in my mind I was doing the same thing as him, but he kept me grounded.
I was able to appear unphased by finally seeing Tyler.
I did indeed want him to be jealous of me.
I wanted him to hate himself for giving me up.
He had to see me as completely fine with not being with him.
He had to want me back.
I wanted to make him beg for me back.
And the door opened ever so slowly.
Tyler stood exactly how I remembered him.
Tyler – Hey Luke.
He had on a nervous but happy smile.
Luke – Hi. This is Sterling.
I pointed to him.
Sterling – Hi Tyler Carson.
Tyler – Uh, hi..
Sterling walked right up to him and enthusiastically shook his hand.
Then he walked in past Tyler, basically uninvited.
Tyler let him pass without saying much.
He still stood in the doorway in front of me.
He looked me in the eyes.
And I broke down.
In my mind at least.
There he was.
The man my heart still craved.
The last day I saw him I woke up in his arms.
Tyler – Hey you.
I smiled at him.
Tyler – Come here.
He put his arms out as I walked into them.
Luke – I missed you so much.
Tyler – I missed you too, Luke.

After a few seconds he released me and opened the door allowing me to enter.
It was nothing special.
It looked like any single guy’s apartment.
Not very organized. Not properly decorated.
Almost like a dorm room.
I saw Sterling ahead standing in the middle of the room.
He slowly spun around taking it all in.
Sterling – Wow, Tyler Carson’s home!
Tyler – Uh, yeah.. You can call me Tyler.
Sterling was still walking around looking at all his stuff.
Tyler whispered to me.
Tyler – Who is he?
Luke – Long story.
Tyler – Is he your boyfriend?
Luke – Uh...
I looked into Tyler’s eyes. He was jealous. It was very obvious.
Luke – Yes.
Tyler – I see. Well I’m glad you’re doing well then.
Luke – Yeah, I guess.
He turned away from me.
I think it might have bothered him.
He walked over to Sterling who was admiring a DVD collection, which was quite large.
I could never imagine Tyler as a movie person. He seemed the type that would have a shop in the basement.
You know, always working with his hands on some type of project.
But he couldn’t do that here.
Sterling – Awesome movies.
Tyler – Thanks.
I watched the two of them interact.
It was actually kinda awkward to see my current boyfriend interacting with my ex who I was still in love with.
I wanted his attention again.
And I wanted to know what he had for me.
If he wasn’t going to offer himself back to me, I didn’t want to be there anymore.
Luke – Tyler?
He turned towards me.
Tyler – Yeah?
Luke – Can I talk to you?
He came back over to me.
Luke – What do you have of mine?
Tyler – Oh right. Let me get it.
He walked out of the main living room.
I looked at Sterling who was entirely oblivious of me standing on the other side of the room.
It pretty much proved my hypothesis to fact.

Tyler came back with a regular sized envelope.
Except when he approached me I noticed it was very old and worn in.
On it was simply my first name.
Tyler – Alright, I’ve thought long and hard about giving this to you.
Luke – What is it?
Tyler – Let me explain.
He took a breath.
Tyler – You need to open this when the time is right. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe in a month. But I think this could really help you when you need it most.
Luke – I don’t understand.
Tyler – But you definitely can’t open it in front of me. I just can’t watch you.
He held it out and let me take it from his grasp.
Tyler – Promise you won’t open it right away?
Luke – Um, yeah, I guess.
I looked into his eyes. I couldn’t read anything from his expression.
Tyler – I found this on the island. Well I found this in Dylan’s hand.
Luke – Is it Dylan’s?
Tyler – It’s not really anyone’s. I found it in his hand after the incident.
Luke – Oh...
Tyler – Luke, I have thought long and hard about this. I know what you two meant to each other. Dylan really loved you. If this doesn’t prove it then I don’t know what will.
Luke – Uh, I really have no idea what you are talking about.
Tyler – I know, just listen to what I’m saying and think about it before you open this. It kinda has something to do with my actions.
An envelope makes him abandon me?
Tyler – But the thing is, this was Dylan’s very last wish.
Tyler was confusing me and more than that he was scaring me.
The envelope started to burn in my hand.
Tyler – He wanted you to have this.
Tyler put his hand over mine and the envelope.
Tyler – Just open it when the time is right.
I had no idea what to say to him.
But I didn’t want him saying anything else about it.
It was scaring me and I had to leave.
Luke – Okay. Well I guess that is all.
Tyler – Yeah, I guess so.
Luke – So I’ll see you later then maybe.
Tyler – Yeah, that’d be nice.
I walked out the door and slowly proceeded back to my car.
I climbed in, started the engine, and pulled out about to enter back into the street.
His words were replaying in my mind.
This was Dylan’s very last wish.
It has something to do with my actions.
It could help you when you need it most.
What the heck?
I need to know what this is.
I looked down to the empty seat next to me.
The envelope sat glaring back at me.
I just wanted to get back home.
I started to let the car roll forward and enter into traffic.
When I heard my name.
I looked up and saw the last person I could ever imagine.

Stranded 21

Tomorrow’s the day I see Tyler.
I can’t tell you how many emotions are running through my body.
To finally be about to see him again.
It’s like my dream has slowly come true.
Speaking of slow, oh man has this week been long.
But tomorrow is when it will happen.
I will see him and get this item he has of mine.
I still have no clue what it actually is.
But for some reason, I feel it will affect me in some way.
It will leave an impression on me.
Maybe it will change me just as Tyler has.
So the only way I can prepare myself is to give you this one last glimpse into my very last real conversation with Dylan.

My name is Luke Gray and it’s time you know about Dylan and I.

575 Days Before Being Rescued

Well, we made up.
We went right back to being good friends.
We didn’t make it to the stream.
There was no need.
Instead we turned back to camp.
Luke – So you are buddy-buddy with Hayden now?
Dylan – She is nice, but oh man she is such a girly girl.
Luke – Haha, aww, so you missed me?
Dylan – You have no idea how normal you are.
Normal? That was one word I never thought of myself as.
Especially with this life of mine.
But Dylan obviously thought so.
Luke – Thanks. I guess you are normal too.
I had on a slightly flirtatious smile.
No reason why. It just felt right at the time.
Dylan noticed it and again went into some sort of a shock because he silenced himself and only walked straight forward.
I looked up and down his body.
My eyes stopped on his hand.
His fingers were lightly twitching.
It was as if they were begging to be grabbed.
But how weird would that be?
To grab Dylan’s hand.
His fingers continued. I don’t think I ever noticed that on him before.
I had an incredible urge to wrap my fingers in his.
But was it the right thing to do?
I didn’t know.
All I knew was the feeling didn’t stop.
It was more of a desire to let his skin touch mine, not only his hand.
Not in a perverted way,
In a loving way, if that makes sense.
So as I watched his hand I gained the courage.
I walked closer to him and put my two arms around him from behind.
He slowed down as I gave him a hug.
Luke – I missed you.
He put his hand on one of mine.
Dylan – I never left.
Luke – Yes you did to me.
He didn’t say much else.
He stopped entirely.
I put my chin on his shoulder.
I could tell he was smiling without seeing his face.
Nothing needed to be said.
After a few seconds he pulled my arms out a bit.
He turned to face me.
He looked into my eyes before wrapping his arms around me very tightly.
Dylan – I missed you too.
I was slightly taller than him, so he leaned his head against my shoulder as I placed my chin on top of his head.

Just Dylan and me.

It didn’t last.
Our moment together was broken by the sound of a crash.
Luke – What was that?
I released him.
Dylan – I dunno.
We were close enough back to camp that it could easily have originated from the beach.
There was another noise.
Dylan – Oh man, let’s go.
We both started to run.
Luke – It’s coming from Tyler’s new showers.
When we arrived the whole area looked destroyed.
And you guessed it; Ian was standing in the middle screaming his lungs off at Tyler.
Tyler was much more interested in trying to salvage his hard work.
Ian – Hey, I’m talking to you!
Tyler – I have nothing to say to you!
Ian – Hey kid, you aren’t all that when your little inventions break down.
Tyler – What the hell is your problem, why did you do this?
Ian – Because we don’t need it!
Tyler – So don’t use it!
Tyler looked extremely aggravated. He was always so proud of his work.
Ian – Piss head, get over here and face me like a man!
Tyler dropped everything and approached him with the look of rage on his face.
I looked at Dylan.
Dylan – This isn’t good. They look out of control.
Luke – What can we do?
We both had concerned blank faces.
Hayden – Tyler, stay back!
He ignored her comment.
Tyler – Fine, bring it on, jackass!
Tyler shoved Ian in the chest.
Ian swiftly reacted and punched Tyler right in the jaw.
Tyler fell back holding his face.
Ian – That’s right, you’re not so great now!
Ian marched towards Tyler and kicked some dirt at him.
He looked like he would still attack him as he lie defenseless on the ground.
Dylan – No!
Dylan charged at Ian and pushed him away.
Ian – Get off me, twerp.
Both Zooey and Hayden stood surrounding the fight just as I did.
Dylan – What is wrong with you?! He isn’t doing anything to you. It is not worth fighting. This is so stupid!
Ian – Shut up kid and stay out of this.
Dylan – No! There is one thing I’ve learned and that is there is no reason to fight someone, especially here.
Tyler stood up as Ian pushed Dylan out of the way.
The two started a brawl.
Dylan turned towards me and gave me one last look.
I nodded signaling he needed to break it up.
Dylan – Stop!
He pushed the two apart getting a few punches himself.
They were finally separated.
Dylan – Now stop!
Ian – Don’t tell me what to do you pathetic piece of fuck. No wonder your mom didn’t want you and Zooey had to kidnap you! Hell you aren’t even related to her, do you know that?!? She only got you to use you. But you weren’t even useful. Now we just can’t get rid of you.
Anger took over Dylan’s face.
He charged at Ian and started his own brawl.
But he didn’t stand a chance.
Very quickly he was flattened into the dirt and Ian had his foot on Dylan’s head.
Ian – You better think twice before coming after me again. You see this everyone? This is what happens when you challenge me.
Zooey – Ian! Don’t do it!
Ian – I will in a heart beat. We don’t need this anymore.
Zooey – What are you talking about?!
Ian – I can get rid of him right now. He’s no use to us anyway.
I looked down at Dylan’s face.
His eyes had tears in them.
He glanced at me quickly, but I don’t think he wanted me to see him like this.
He closed his eyes.
I looked around. No one was moving.
I didn’t know what to do. I felt I had to stop it, but I feared the same thing would happen to me.
But I realized only three were surrounding him.
Tyler must have snuck off.
Zooey continued to beg for Dylan’s release.
Tyler then appeared from behind a tree.
Ian – It’s not murder here. This is for survival! One less useless mouth to feed.
Tyler picked up a large stick and was slowly sneaking up very close behind Ian.
Ian – See this, twerp. You gonna stand up to me now? You got any last ....
And Tyler slammed his head with the stick knocking him to the ground.
Dylan got up and ran off.
I looked at Tyler quickly who only stared back at me with his hands fixed still holding up the stick in the follow through.
I ran after Dylan.
He was much faster than I thought.
He just kept running.
Luke – Dylan!
He didn’t stop or acknowledge I was following him.
Luke – Wait, please!
Dylan – Go away!
He kept going but I was able to catch up with time.
Luke – Dylan, please, stop!
Dylan – Don’t follow me, I want to be alone!
Luke – No way in hell am I leaving you alone!
Dylan – Please?!
I was right up to him now.
I think he did slow down because deep down he wanted me to stop him.
I grabbed his arm and further halted his run.
He finally stopped.
We were both out of breath.
Dylan – What?
Luke – Are you okay?
Dylan – Yes, I am fine. Can you leave me be?
Luke – Did you leave me alone when I was searching for Kyle?
Dylan – This is different. I can’t be around you right now.
He turned and walked away from me.
I could see how upset he was. Dylan never was like this.
He always wanted to be around me.
I knew he loved me.
There was only one thing I could think of to calm him down.
And I had to do it.
I reached out and grabbed his arm.
I pulled him around quickly as he spun right up to me.
His face landed right against mine.
I gave him the longest kiss I had in me.

Stranded 20

One word comes to my mind:
Change.
And what do I mean by this you ask.
I’ve been through so much of it over my lifetime.
You’d think by now I’d be used to it.
But no, it is impossible to handle the type of change I encounter.

It’s been a couple days since my second phone call with Tyler.
And I can’t help but think how our roles have changed.
When I first met Tyler he was the leader.
He was strong.
He was amazing.
He was so good and confident at being himself.
But now on these phone calls, he was scared or shy or hiding something.
I knew there was something weird about him.
He was using my typical one word answers with little confidence.
He was that gray that encompassed me.
And he was forcing me to ask the questions.
He made me feel like the strong one.
I had to pressure him into letting me come to see him.
That is not my Tyler.
Think about when he looked me in the eye and told me I could come to him anytime.
Anything about the island leads him into this fuzzy mood where I don’t know what he wants.
I mention Dylan or this item from the island or even him denying it.
And he becomes so awkward.
He avoids the topics.
It’s like he doesn’t want to remember the island.
It was some part of his life that he has packed up and placed in a closet to never look back at.
I don’t understand how his memory of it can call for that type of behavior.
First I tell him I miss him and he changed the subject. Then he says it’s good to hear my voice.
Yeah, that is a change in opinion.
What happened to the confident Tyler?
He has been so shy and intimidated in these calls.
What has this regular world done to him?
It was like his voice was in a new person.
And I want to talk to my Tyler.

My name is Luke Gray and it’s time to accept this change.

575 Days Before Being Rescued

Let’s continue this talk of change.
You know it needs to happen in one specific area.
Again, one word will explain it all.
Derek.
I had to change.
I had to get over him.
I had to move on and accept this new world as my family.
I knew it, but I was scared to.
With my admitted attraction to Tyler and jealousy of Dylan, I had to force myself to change.
Because I am very opinionated and if what I want isn’t happening, I will not be the nicest guy.
So I had to want to be over Derek.
It was a mental struggle.
I remember saying to myself one phrase over and over again:
Derek, I love you.
It tore me apart convincing myself to do it.
But in the end, I don’t regret it.
It was the change that I needed to move on in my life and ultimately give me the most amazing relationship I could ever ask for.

Speaking of this change and Tyler’s uncertainty, going back to the stories of the island really shows what he used to be.
What I fell in love with.
It was Tyler’s confidence and general acceptance.
Tyler – What’s your favorite type of cheese? I could really go for some melted cheddar over a grilled chicken.
Luke – Um, I usually put provolone on my sandwiches.
I noticed Dylan approaching me slowly from far away.
He would keep turning around and start working on something else.
I did enjoy talking to Tyler, but I wanted Dylan to come over to me.
I could use a conversation with him because I knew it would end in us being friends again.
Regardless what was said or how we ended it, I don’t think either one of us would allow this to continue.
But he finally gained the courage he was struggling to find and made the full trip over to me.
Dylan – Hi Luke.
Luke – Hey man.
I was as gentle as possible. I wasn’t nor did I want to be annoyed at him.
Dylan – Can I talk to you?
I looked at Tyler, as we were having some sort of a cheesy conversation.
Tyler – Don’t look at me. Go have fun.
He winked at me, as he knew this was the conversation I desired.
I’m sure Tyler knew I wanted my friendship with Dylan again.
I never mentioned to Tyler we were officially in a fight or even what it was about.
He understood it and didn’t want to intrude where he shouldn’t.
Luke – K, see ya.
I got up and walked off with Dylan.

It wasn’t as I imagined it.
I was convinced the next time I spoke to him would be extremely awkward in the beginning.
But we walked off in the same unstated direction:
The stream.
Neither of us needed to say it.
It only seemed right that we end this in the place it all started.
I thought the walk would be completely silent.
But before we were even a third of the way there he broke the silence.
Dylan – Luke, I’m so sorry.
I wasn’t going to let him feel like the bad guy in this.
Luke – Why? I am the one that was a jerk.
Dylan – I didn’t mean to say anything like...
He paused sounding surprised after he interpreted what I said.
He looked at me.
Luke – I’m sorry, Dylan. You were right. I have been isolating myself from everyone, including you. I have been living in the past just as you said.
I turned to look directly at him. I wanted to make sure he understood how much he actually helped me.
Luke – Honestly, I am really glad you did noticed it, because I don’t think I would have ever seen it myself. I was afraid to move on. It was just as you said. So Dylan, you really are an amazing person and I owe you so much that you had the courage to say it to me.
He was speechless.
Luke – I know that couldn’t have been an easy task. Thank you, man.
I had to do it. He stood there so shocked in what I said.
I went right up to him and gave him a hug.
He didn’t really hug back. I think he was still so surprised in what I said.
Dylan – Oh, well, I want to apologize myself too.
Luke – You don’t need to.
Dylan – I still want to. I feel really bad about this.
We didn’t make it to the stream but instead stopped nowhere special.
It was just one of the trails that were naturally created from our stomping down the plant life.
Dylan – I just stepped over my bounds. I should have known not to say that to you. You really care for Derek and I knew it.
Luke – Dylan, it’s fine. You don’t have to...
Dylan – I want to say this if you don’t mind.
I let him continue on. He must have prepared himself because he knew exactly what to say.
Dylan – I see how you feel about Derek. And maybe it’s a bit of jealousy, because I never had anything like that. I was just, well... I dunno how to explain it.
He stopped. Again his past was so mysterious. I had no idea about it. It left me curious, but I never wanted to pressure him as he told me to let it be.
I looked into his eyes. He seemed like he wanted to tell me something. I knew he was upset by it.
It reminded me of a few days ago when Tyler saw me so upset.
So I stole his line.
Luke – Dylan, you can always come to me, you got that?
I kept my fix on his eyes just as Tyler did for me.
Dylan looked back into mine.
I didn’t break the stare.
I wanted him to know he could trust me and I wasn’t going anywhere.
That is what Tyler did to me, and it got me to trust him.

He looked away after a few seconds.
Dylan – Thanks.
And again, this is where I didn’t push him.
Just as I didn’t want to tell Tyler about the cause of my fight with Dylan, I’m sure whatever it was that kept him so secretive, it must be hard to say.
I knew it would come with time.
As Dylan said to me, who knows how long we would be there.
There was no rush to it.
Each of us had a hidden past. Mine being Derek, Dylan’s something else.
It’s only that mine was revealed first.
I knew his would come with time.
That is what I thought then.
Because I could never imagine what was going to happen in two hours time.

Stranded 19

Alright, enough is enough.
Tyler has something of mine.
I have no idea what it is.
It’s been stuck in my mind for the last three weeks.
Hell it’s probably been in yours too.
Because how on earth could he have something that belongs to me?
I didn’t have anything besides the shirt on my back at the island.
And that didn’t even last until the end.
So what could it possibly be?
How could something be so important to me that I would agree to never speak to him again?
Whatever it is, it must be massive in order to validate such a proposition.
Was it something I really wanted that much?
I could figure it out though.
I could get it from him by accepting his demand.
But to never see him again...
I don’t know that I could agree to it.
I survived the last year without him.
But I could never make it official.
Regardless if I ever do see him again.
There is just that small chance.
It was that pocket of hope that kept me going.
And to seal it off and ship him away for good?
There was no chance of it.

My name is Luke Gray and Tyler’s getting his answer.

433 Days After Being Rescued

I said no to Tyler.
I said I couldn’t agree to it.
But I’m sure you know that.
He told me I have a month to change my mind.
Otherwise he’s throwing it out.
But I decided whatever it may be, he wouldn’t do it.
I know him too well.
He doesn’t have the heart to build up the hype only to throw it out.
So I decided to tell him I couldn’t agree to it.
Tell him he means too much to me and I could never banish myself from him.
Who knows what that would bring.
But it couldn’t hurt to try.

Sterling – Who you calling?
It’s not worth lying anymore.
He’ll find out sooner or later.
Luke – Tyler Carson.
Sterling – What!?! Really?
I nodded.
Sterling – Wow, that’s awesome.
Luke – So sit down and let me talk to him.
He was right up in my face.
Luke – Sterling...
I pushed him away.
He didn’t look like he would back down. I couldn’t call Tyler with someone listening to the conversation.
Luke – Stay.
I walked out of the room.

Tyler – Hello?
Luke – I can’t do it.
He didn’t respond immediately.
Luke – I can’t say I’ll never see you again.
Tyler – I don’t blame you.
Luke – I just can’t do it, Tyler. You mean too much to me.
Tyler – I know. It’s okay.
His voice didn’t sound disappointed but almost relieved.
Luke – Then how could you ask something like that of me?
Tyler – I dunno. I guess it was a way to get you away permanently.
Luke – You don’t ever want to see me again?
Tyler – It’s hard to explain.
Luke – I’ve got time.
Tyler – I can’t explain it to you in this way.
Luke – Okay... Well what do you have of mine?
Tyler – Uh, yeah you really should have it.
Luke – What is it?
Tyler – You’ll just have to see it for yourself.
Luke – I don’t understand. What could you possibly have of mine? Neither one of us brought anything back.
Tyler – I did.
I didn’t understand.
Was it something figurative?
Was it something small?
Would I recognize it when I saw it?
Should I know he has it?
He left me completely in the dark.
Luke – Then can I come and get it?
Tyler – I dunno.
Luke – I’m not going to agree to it no matter what you say.
Tyler – I know.
Luke – Then can I come to see you?
He paused.
Tyler – I dunno.
It suddenly occurred to me. I wasn’t thrilled about proposing this, but I wanted to know what he had.
Luke – What about mailing it to me?
Tyler – No.
His voice sounded scared.
Tyler – I don’t trust the mail and...
Luke – And what?
Tyler – I just... You really should get it from me.
Luke – Okay, then can I come?
Tyler – I guess.
Luke – And you won’t make me agree to never see you again?
Tyler – No.
I felt a load of relief off my back.
Not to mention that I was going to see Tyler again.
The idea wasn’t exactly a reality to me yet.
But it slowly took over my body.
After all this time without him, I began to envision what he looked like.
I started to think about how different he may be.
I thought about how his stomach muscles felt when I placed my head on him.
His smell started to come back to me.
And his big blue eyes.
I wondered what it would be like to use my senses on him again.
If he would let me.
Or would it be a quick visit?
I dunno.
Luke – Well when?
Tyler – Uh, not yet.
Luke – Tyler...
Tyler – Okay, how about this weekend?
It was Monday. I could wait a week.
Luke – Okay.
He didn’t say anything.
Luke – Where do you live?
Tyler – It’s not that far.
He gave me an address.
Luke – So Saturday, mid-day?
Tyler – Yeah, that’s fine.
There was a bit of an awkward silence. I didn’t want to hang up because I still wanted to hear his voice. It was soothing me as I missed it so much.
Tyler – It’s good to hear your voice again.
He was thinking the same thing as me?
Are you serious?
Luke – Yeah, same.
I wanted to say how weird it would be to finally see him again.
I wanted to know if he thought the same.
But I kept it all bundled up.
It’s hard to explain. How often does someone spend every second with someone and then one day, they are separated for an unexplained reason?
I only waited for him to say something else.
Tyler – So I guess I’ll see you this weekend.
Luke – Yeah, see you then.
Tyler – Bye.
Luke – Bye.

The end of the call was weird. We both sounded like we were waiting for the other to say something more.
Our responses were slow and delayed.
But whatever, I was going to see him.
That’s all I need to know to be happy.
I put my cell phone back in my pocket and walked into my room.
Sterling was standing in the doorway waiting for my return.
I only pushed him to the side as I walked past him.
I went to my bed and sat down.
I deeply sighed in disbelief.
I fell back and stared at the ceiling.
Sterling was still right up on me but for some reason I didn’t care.
To me he basically wasn’t there.
I felt he was just some piece of furniture or, as I called him, a pillow.
I was going to see Tyler and if something were offered, I’d get back with him in a heartbeat. I would dump Sterling right then and there.
That is how I feel about him.
Horrible, I know.
Sterling – So?
Luke – What?
Sterling – You just talked to Tyler Carson.
Luke – Yes, I did.
Sterling – Well you have to tell me more.
Luke – Why? You know I spent two years on an island with him. He isn’t Tyler Carson to me.
I mimicked the accent he put on Tyler’s name.
Luke – He is just Tyler and you know him and I were together?
Sterling – Yeah...
He made a dreamy sigh like he was filled with jealousy.
Sterling – What did you talk to him about?
There is no way out of this.
I know Sterling pretty well, and this was one of those times where he wasn’t going to drop it.
Luke – I agreed to meet him somewhere.
Sterling – What!?! Really?
Luke – Yeah.
He was freaking out like a teenage girl for a Backstreet Boy or what is it now-a-days, a 15 year old runt who’s name I forget.
I just let him piss his pants. My mind was back thinking about what Tyler had of mine and what it will be like to see him again.
Sterling went on and on about something. I wasn’t focusing on what he was saying. I only nodded and agreed with whatever he said.

Sterling – So I can come?!
Something finally sunk in.
I sat up.
Luke – What?
Sterling – You said I could come! Oh this is gonna be so amazing. What will I wear? What will I say?
Luke – Wait, I said you could come?
He was ignoring me now and frantically running around the room searching for something.
Luke – Sterling!
Sterling – Yeah?
He stopped and looked up at me.
Luke – You can’t come.
His expression was crushed.
He looked like I just told him the worst news of his life.
And it suddenly hit me. I started to see Sterling for who he was.

Stranded 18

There’s one thing that always happened in those early days.
I mean there was Dylan and I hanging out.
Tyler building our world.
But one thing I don’t like to mention.
Well I guess it comes up here and there, but I never like to think about it.
Because it only gives me a headache.
It was so dull and not a highlight.
Now Tyler was a very strong person.
He could tune anything out.
He could take anything.
But even the strong sometimes needs to break down a little.
They need to step aside and prove to everyone they are human.
Well in this case, prove it to me.

My name is Luke Gray and Ian is a dildo.

579 Days Before Being Rescued

Ian – I don’t need your help! Would you stop asking?
Tyler – Hey man, I’m just trying to be nice.
Ian – Why don’t you go reinvent the wheel and make yourself look like a god?
Tyler – Dude, what is your problem?
Ian – I don’t have a problem.
Tyler – Then why do you always have to start something?
Ian – You just walk around like you own the place. This is Tyler’s World, everyone. Let’s do what Tyler says.
Tyler – Yo, that’s not how it is.
Ian – Psh, whatever. How about you let me do my thing, and you do yours, that all right with you, ‘dude’?
Tyler – C’mon, just chill we’re all here to help each other. It’s what we’re doin’. We’re all surviving, at whatever the cost.
Ian – And you make all the decisions.
Tyler – I don’t mean it to be that way, why don’t you make the next one.
Ian – That isn’t what I’m talking about, big shot.
Tyler – Dude, then what do you want?
Ian – I want you step off your ladder and stop being my boss. Let me do something for once without your input.
Tyler – Fine, you know what, you do that. You do your thing. I’ll do my thing. Just remember this, I didn’t ask for this role. You gave it to me.
Tyler walked away. He looked aggravated for the first time.
Ian – Yeah, that’s right you little pansy, just run away. Don’t come back.
He turned around to say something but bit his tongue and didn’t snoop to Ian’s level.
He continued walking.
I decided to follow him.
I spent a lot of time helping out Tyler in those days.
I’m sorry to say it, but I didn’t forgive Dylan.
So him and I weren’t around each other all that often.
Tyler was a few paces in front of me.
I’m sure he knew I was following.
But he continued on and muttered under his breath.
He finally stopped on the other side of the beach and sat in the sand facing the ocean.
I stopped short of him and watched his reactions.
He rustled his hair a bit with both hands and deeply sighed.
Tyler – Come here dude.
I continued to approach him.
Tyler – Take a seat.
I sat right next to him.
Tyler – How you holding up?
Luke – I’m okay.
Tyler – You and Dylan aren’t talking anymore?
Luke – Yeah, I dunno.
Tyler – What happened?
Luke – Uh, it’s hard to explain.
Tyler – It’s cool, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want.
I was glad he didn’t pressure it out of me.
I don’t think I could handle telling him about Derek, let alone my sexuality.
Tyler was like an idol, a celebrity to me and I only wanted to look the best to him.
Tyler – Just remember, you can always come to me.
He looked right at me.
His big wide blue eyes.
Tyler – You got that?
Luke – Uh yeah.
I blinked and broke the stare he was giving me.
I had to look away.
He was doing it to me.

We remained quiet for a few minutes.
But I was okay with it.
I just remained still and enjoyed the peace of sitting before the vast ocean.
Of course Tyler was the first to start talking.
Tyler – Luke, do you think I’m bossy?
Luke – Heck no.
I knew he was thinking about what Ian said to him.
It was weird because Tyler was so strong. I could never see words harming him.
Tyler – Oh, that Ian.
Luke – Yeah, I don’t like him much either.
Tyler – It’s not that I don’t like him, I just don’t get what he wants. Sometimes he is cool, and then he gets like this.
Luke – Don’t let him bother you. Look at what Dylan does. He just ignores it. I mean you are a great leader here. You’ve done so much. I don’t know where we’d be without you.
Tyler – I’m not that perfect. I’ve made a lot of mistakes.
Luke – Like what? If you have, no one has noticed.
Tyler – What about Paul?
Luke – What about him?
Tyler – I still feel it is my fault he disappeared.
Luke – That was so long ago, though. It was before we were organized and knew each other.
Tyler – But I should have started searching right away. All I wanted to do was create that useless signal fire.
Luke – It wasn’t useless.
Tyler – It didn’t help though. I should have been looking for him when we realized he wasn’t there.
Luke – Well think about how Dylan and I left for a night. You didn’t go searching for us immediately and we turned out fine.
Tyler – But there were two of you.
Luke – I don’t think that is relevant.
Tyler – I know what you are saying, honestly, I do. But it still bothers me. I don’t think I will ever shed the guilt.
I looked into his eyes.
He continued to stare out into the ocean.
He showed it on his face.
He felt bad about it.
I could tell he cared about each and every one of us and felt he was responsible.
It was a position that fell into his lap and he accepted it.
Luke – It’s still not your fault.
He shrugged off my comment.
His opinion wouldn’t change no matter what I said.

Tyler – Alright, this is stupid.
He stood up and grabbed my hand pulling me up as well.
He started pulling me towards the ocean.
I was slow at first, but he got me to a run.
He released my hand and threw off his shirt.
I slowed down right before the water started as he dived in ahead of me.
I stood in the ankle deep water and observed him.
He didn’t look back at me.
He swam around doing various strokes eventually ending in a back float.
And then I felt a little constraining pressure down south.
I looked down and realized I was turned on.
It freaked me out because I didn’t want to be.
I wanted Derek.
Not Tyler.
But I couldn’t stop looking at him.
I adjusted my jeans letting it come up.
Tyler – C’mon on in, dude.
He was watching me.
I was concerned that he saw the boner.
But he didn’t show any signs of it.
He swam back eventually standing up.
He walked right up to me and pulled at my shoulder.
I didn’t move too much.
Tyler – Don’t look so serious.
He put his arm around my shoulder and escorted me towards the deeper water.
I went along with him.
But he put his opposite hand down to my knees and picked me up like a baby.
Luke – Wait, let me take off my shirt.
He wasn’t stopping.
Tyler – It’s too late for that.
I pulled my arm out and put it around his back.
We were now fully submerged.
He flattened my body and pushed me off in my own back float.
I stared up into the bright blue sky.
I couldn’t help but question what was wrong with me.
My whole life was figured out up to that point.
It consisted of one man.
Derek.
But here I was in a completely new world getting a boner from someone else and in a fight with a really good friend for basically being a jerk.
Yeah, I admitted it to myself pretty quickly.
I was a jerk to Dylan.
All his points were valid.
He was describing me. I did make myself an outsider to that world.
I didn’t accept anyone. I only lived like I was a guest.
I started to see it.
But I was nervous of what to say to Dylan.
And now Tyler floating next to me.
Turning me on.
I was scared. That is the only way to put it.

About an hour later Tyler and I were back to sitting on the beach drying off.
We didn’t say much, but remained next to each other.
I didn’t want to leave his side.
I looked down the beach and saw Dylan with Hayden.
He was helping her prepare dinner I guessed.
He must have gave in to her and found a replacement for me.
I watched his actions.
Hayden must have made a joke, because he smiled and laughed a little.
I felt jealous.
I wanted to share a laugh with him again.
But I also wanted to sit with Tyler.
My eyes didn’t break watching him though.
My body was with Tyler and my focus on Dylan.

I finally let myself say it.
Dylan was cute.
He truly was.
I knew it for a while.
But I couldn’t admit it.
I wouldn’t let myself.
Only one question remained.
How do I end this argument?
I was afraid if I tried to end it he might take it as me offering to be with him.
And I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him that way.
All I did know was I wanted him to be my friend again.
He stopped moving and was looking in my direction.
He saw me watching him and smiled.
I quickly looked away.

Stranded 17

There’s no way to avoid it.
I have to give you two stories in a row you won’t like.
I wish I could come up with something to fill in.
But I got nothing.
As it is I’m on a roll with giving you bits of how Derek affected me on the island.
You are beginning to see it.
You are beginning to understand why Dylan and I couldn’t be.
I wasn’t strong enough.
I couldn’t handle it.
And about today, right here. I have no idea what to tell you.
I could tell you more about seeing Derek with Sterling.
So you can learn what happened.
But I don’t want to relive that one again.
It’s a killer for me.
It’ll come though.
Give it time.
Right now we need to go back to the island.
With Dylan.

My name is Luke Gray and I solemnly swear to never break Derek’s vow.

587 Days Before Being Rescued

Dylan – So your relationship was always a secret?
Luke – Yeah, pretty much.
Dylan – Did you have to hide it or did anyone guess?
Luke – A little of both. Way before we knew what we were we used to get teased.
Dylan – About what?
Luke – We were called fairies and boyfriends. But it was before we knew. So we tried to cover it with lies to ourselves.
Dylan – And even with the teasing you remained friends and continued playing around?
Luke – Yeah, well one time it got really bad and Derek told me we should stop hanging out. I was devastated, not that I knew why it hurt so much.
Dylan – That’s horrible, I would never do that.
Luke – But we made up and agreed to remain friends. Actually we made a vow to each other to be best friends and be together no matter what for the rest of ours lives.
Dylan – But that was before you were dating?
Luke – Yeah, but once we started, it just continued. We would say it to each other all the time. But it changed to things like we’re soul mates and gonna live together until we die.
Dylan – Well I think that is really sweet.
Luke – I guess.
Dylan – Honestly, I do. It’s adorable how you still value him even after all of this.
Luke – What do you mean? Of course I value him. He’s my boyfriend.
Dylan – Oh, I don’t mean anything against you. I am just saying, how long have we been here now? Like 6 months?
Luke – You’re point?
Dylan – No point really. I’m just commenting about how long it’s been since you saw him and...
Luke – What are you trying to say?
Dylan – I dunno. Don’t take this the wrong way, really, please don’t. But look around. How long do you think we are gonna be here?
He paused. I didn’t say anything, but could tell where he was headed and I didn’t want to instigate him any further.
Dylan – I’m just trying to say, I don’t think we are going to leave this island anytime soon.
Luke – Well, Derek will be waiting for me when I get back.
Dylan – But what if we are stuck here for 10 years or forever? How much longer can you wait? Do you think he has moved on? I mean he probably thinks you are dead.
Luke – He knows I’m not dead. I know he knows. He would believe in me. And I will see him again. Don’t tell me something like that.
Dylan – Luke, just listen to yourself. All you ever talk about is the past. You only ever talk about what did happen.
Luke – That’s because you ask!
Dylan – Well, yeah. But how much longer can your stories be about the past? Look around you. There are so many new stories about here and now. This is what you should be talking about.
Luke – Then let’s talk about here.
Dylan – Well it’s more of you are living in the past it seems. We could be stuck here forever. And you want to consider yourself with someone you might never see again?
Luke – I will see him. And yes. He will always be my boyfriend!
Dylan – Luke, do you not understand what I’m trying to say?
Luke – I know what you are saying and I’m telling you to drop it.
Dylan – Just think about it. There is this new world around you with people that care about you. I see you walking around. I’m sorry I’m mentioning him, but I know you are searching for your brother.
He knew not to mention my brother. So I really started to get angry with him.
Dylan – Now I will always help you find him. I promised that to you, but there are new people here that care about you. And you don’t see it. You don’t see that we are your new family. We aren’t a replacement, but something new. And you should understand that.
He was telling me to forget anything and everything that I valued. He was trying to get me to forget what I cared about. He was trying to shape me into a new person. And I was not okay with it.
Dylan – I’m not trying to be mean, but I just want you to realize something. You can trust us here. We may be different than what you grew up with and I know change is hard, but at some point you need to accept this.
I was so irritated at him. I didn’t want to be near him anymore.
I turned and walked away from him without saying anything.
Dylan – And more than that. You have someone that cares more about you than anything you can imagine.
I felt him grab my hand and swing me around.
Luke – What the hell is wrong with you?!? I will not cheat on my boyfriend. Don’t you ever touch me again!
I pushed him into the ground and ran away.

I wasn’t sure where to run. But it couldn’t be anywhere near Dylan. I had to avoid any place he would go.
And there was one place I could think of on such short notice.
You’d think I was crazy for going there.
I went to where Ian usually was.
But thankfully, Tyler and Zooey were around.
Tyler and Ian were working on building something. I wasn’t sure what it was. It got to the point where I trusted whatever Tyler was building and I stopped asking.
Because whatever he came up with, it was always beneficial.
Zooey – Hi Luke, how’ve you been holding up? I haven’t really talked to you in ages.
Luke – Yeah, it’s been awhile. I’m good, can’t complain.
I wasn’t going to tell her about our argument.
Zooey – Are you sure? You look a little PO’ed.
Luke – Uh, nah, I’m fine. So what are they working on now?
I signaled to the other two.
Zooey – Showers.
My mouth dropped open.
Luke – Are you kidding me?
Zooey – Nope. That Tyler, he sure is clever.
Luke – Yeah...
Zooey – I don’t know what we’d do without him. He basically built our whole town here.
Luke – I guess he did.
Zooey – He sure would make a good mate though.
Luke – Mmhm.
Yeah, sorry, this isn’t when it happened. This is all coincidence.
Zooey – So what do you think on the latest?
Luke – Latest what?
Zooey – Hayden and Tyler.
Luke – What about them?
Zooey – Oh, c’mon...
I looked at Tyler. I couldn’t see it.
Luke – I dunno.
Zooey – He’s been finishing up earlier each day and the two of them go off somewhere.
Luke – I see.
I really didn’t care at all then. Tyler was his own person and he could do whatever he pleased.
I was more curious about this shower set up of his.
So I walked over to him.
Tyler – What’s up, dude?
Luke – Hey.
Tyler – You wanna give us a hand? Grab that rope over there and rap it around these two branches.
He made rope out of braided palm tree leaves.
Luke – So how’s this work?
Tyler – It’s quite simple actually. You know how gravity works?
Luke – Uh, yeah. Everything goes down...
Tyler – Exactly. Here, let me do it.
He took over for me, as apparently I wasn’t tying to his standards.
Tyler – See, the fall is right over there, so we’ll catch the water and these hollow tree branches will transfer the water over there, where we punctured holes for the water to drip out of. The trick is just to give everything a little bit of an angle.
Luke – Wow, this is genius.
Tyler – We’ll just get some rocks to put underneath so the water doesn’t completely erode the ground.
Luke – This is awesome, Tyler.
Tyler – Yeah, I’m hoping to get it up and running in a few days.
This is the kind of stuff that made me love the guy. Well not then, but it was the start of it. Everything was so simple and it just worked.
It made me jealous.
Tyler – There’s your buddy over there.
I looked over to Zooey and Dylan stood watching me.
Luke – I gotta go.
I started walking in the opposite direction.
But I knew Dylan would chase after me.
I only wanted to get far enough so no one would see whatever confrontation we were about to have.

Dylan – Hey.
Luke – What?
Dylan – I’m really sorry. That all came out wrong. I didn’t mean it.
Luke – How could you not mean something like that? You are obviously thinking it the way you put that argument together.
Dylan – No...
Luke – And now you are lying to me again.
Dylan – I’m so sorry.
Luke – Go away. I don’t ever want to see you again.

Stranded 16

I’m not really sure how to lead you into this story.
Again, it’s one I gotta tell you.
Because what happened at its end is very important to me.
It’s something I lived by for so many years of my life.
It took so much to break it. But until I did, I couldn’t move on.
Nothing new, nothing else could happen.

My name is Luke Gray and I’ll meet you at the playground.

1043 Days before the crash

Boy – Fairy! Fairy! Luke and Derek are fairies!
Derek – What are you talking about?
Boy – You know what I’m talking about.
Luke – Shut up and go away.
Boy – Why, so you two can go kiss?
Luke – No...
Boy – Everyone knows it.
Derek – Knows what?
Boy – You two fairies like cock.
Derek – No we don’t.
Boy – Then why don’t you have girlfriends yet?
Derek – Because.
Boy – Because you two must do each other.
Luke – It’s not true.
Boy – Hey, Jess, you hear these two like to suck each other off?
Boy2 – Ew. Faggots.
Derek – Shut up. It’s not true.
Boy – Then why are you always together?
Derek – Because we are friends.
Boy – Yeah, boyfriends.
Luke – What? No...
Boy2 – Then prove it. Tell everyone you hate each other.
Derek – I’d never do that!
Boy – Then you are fairies. You have to stand up in front of the entire class and punch each other right in the face.
Derek – That’s stupid.
Boy2 – It’s only stupid if you are afraid. Do it right now. Push your boyfriend into the grass.
Luke – Let’s go, Derek. These idiots don’t know what they are talking about.
Boy – Excuse me?
Luke – You heard me. You are an idiot.
Boy – That’s it.
He grabbed me and held me so I couldn’t escape.
Derek tried to run, but was quickly stopped by the second boy.
Boy – You are just asking for the whole school to know.
Luke – Get off me. I don’t know what you are talking about.
He walked me far away from Derek.
Boy – You have to prove to everyone you aren’t a fairy.
Luke – How do I do that?
Boy – You have to fight your boyfriend and kiss a girl.
Luke – He’s not my boyfriend!
Boy – Everyone thinks you are. Don’t you like girls?
Luke – Get off me! I do like girls, who doesn’t?
Boy – Well that’s a surprise.
By this time the entire recess was surrounding me.
I hated it.
I was so embarrassed.
I only wanted to be alone.
I wanted to be far away from the staring.
Boy – Hey everyone, Luke here says he kisses Derek.
There were jeers and laughter from everywhere.
I broke down in tears.
A teacher finally started approaching the crowd.
The bully released me and whispered into my ear.
Boy – That’ll happen everyday until you do what I say.

I didn’t see Derek for the rest of the day.
I didn’t particularly look for him either. I got on the bus and sat by myself. He never got on. I guessed he walked home.
I went right to my room without talking to anyone.
I didn’t want to see anyone.
It was the worst day of my life.
I mean I’m not gonna say I was cool. I did get teased a little here and there. But nothing was ever as bad as this.
I was never ridiculed in front of the entire class.
I made it to my bed and put my head into my pillow.
I cried.
Because I was scared of what to think.
I only wanted to see one person.
I wanted Derek to be in my room.
But I didn’t know what to say about us being called fairies and boyfriends.
I wondered what he was thinking.
I wanted to know if he was as scared as me.
I wanted to tell him I didn’t care what anyone thought.
I only wanted him to be with me.

Kyle – Luke.
Luke – Go away!
It was later that night. I hadn’t left my room since coming home.
I didn’t go downstairs for dinner.
I didn’t want to see anyone.
I heard the doorknob turn.
Luke – I said go away!
Kyle – I heard what happened.
Luke – So leave me alone.
Kyle – You know I can’t do that.
I waited to hear what he had to say.
Kyle – I found someone who is in the same shape as you.
I turned my head from the pillow towards the door.
Derek was standing there awkwardly.
Kyle pushed him all the way in and shut the door.
I rolled onto my side and looked into Derek’s eyes.
He didn’t say anything but only stood there.
Luke – Hi.
Derek – Your brother made me come.
I didn’t say anything back.
Figures Kyle would get the one and only person I was craving.
He wandered to my desk chair and sat down.
Luke – That sucked.
Derek – Is that what they really think?
Luke – I don’t care what they think.
Derek – But why would they make such a big deal?
Luke – I dunno.
Derek – Why did they keep calling us boyfriends?
Luke – Does it matter?
Derek – Maybe we do hang out too much.
It was the worst thing I could imagine him saying.
Derek – Maybe it’s time we found girlfriends and some new friends.
Luke – Is that what you really want?
Derek – It seems like that is what we should do.
I wanted to scream no. I wanted to tell him to come to my bed and give me a hug. I wanted him to say he didn’t care what anyone thought and that him and I would always be together.
But he didn’t.
He didn’t look at me.
Derek – So I guess this is goodbye for now.
He stood up.
Luke – Wait.
He turned back to me with a bit of light in his eyes.
Luke – For how long?
Derek – What do you mean?
Luke – I don’t want to stop being friends with you.
Derek – I don’t want to stop either. But what other choices do we have?
Luke – I dunno.
Derek – So I guess I’ll see you around?
I put my head back into my pillow.
I sensed him remaining still for a few seconds.
I prayed he would say something else.
But I heard the floor creak as he walked to the door.
The doorknob jiggled but it didn’t open.
Derek – Is your door locked?
I lifted my head and looked back at him.
Luke – No? It locks from the inside.
Derek – Well it’s stuck.
I looked down to the crack between the base and floor. I saw two shadows which meant only one thing.
Luke – Kyle!! Let go of the door!
Kyle – No! You two make up and resolve this!
I climbed out of bed and went to the door.
Derek stepped out of the way as I attempted to turn the doorknob and pull it open.
It was a match between my desire to get Derek out of my sight and Kyle’s to keep us together.
Because I couldn’t imagine what else to say to him.
He basically told me he didn’t want to hang out anymore.
And I was crying in my mind.
I only wanted to go back to my bed to let the tears surface.
Luke – Let go!
Kyle – No way!
But my desire was turning to adrenaline and Kyle’s was only from muscle strength.
I won the tug of war.
The door swung open.
Kyle stood in the doorframe as I glared at him before turning back to my bed.
Derek attempted to walk past Kyle.
Kyle – No!
Luke – Jesus, Kyle! Let him go.
Kyle – No. You two are better friends than this. I can’t let you two be upset with each other.
He was like my savior. He was doing what I couldn’t do. What I didn’t have the strength to do.
He kept Derek with me.
Kyle – Now figure out how you two are going to remain friends and then I’ll let you guys out.
He swung the door closed.

Derek went back to the chair and I sat on my bed.
Again there was a very awkward silence.
He said to me he wanted to stop seeing me.
But now he was forced to retract it.
So I knew I had to start the conversation or else we’d sit there forever.
Luke – I still want to hang out with you.
Derek – Yeah, I want to hang out with you too.
He looked scared about it.
Derek – But I can’t be ridiculed like that.
Luke – It’s not all that bad.
Derek – Are you kidding me?
Luke – Hey, it made us get locked in a room together.
A smile poked through his fear as he looked away from me.
Luke – Kyle is right, we can’t be like this. We are better friends than to let insults get in the way.
Derek – But they are calling us such horrible names.
Luke – Who cares? Only you and I know the truth. We are just really good friends. Why do we need their approval?
Derek – But what do we say when they call us boyfriends.
Luke – I dunno.
Derek – Because we do kind of seem like it.
Luke – Nah, we just hang out a lot, what’s the big deal?
He shrugged.
Luke – I know that I always want to be friends with you, no matter what.
Derek – Yeah, I feel the same way.
Luke – So we should just stay friends and ignore them.
Derek – Yeah. Because I hate the feeling of not being able to talk to you.
Luke – I know it sucks.
Derek – So let’s make a vow right here, right now. Let’s agree to be together for the rest of our lives. No matter what we face. It’ll be you and me, friends forever.
I stood up and walked towards him.
I put out my hand.
He carefully put his in mind.
We sealed the vow.

Stranded 15

Dylan revealed to me his secret.
It must have taken tremendous courage.
And I can only commend him for it.
Because in my life, I never have told anyone something that personal.
I’m too afraid.
In every situation I’m always forced to it.
I never had to initiate the conversation.
This is why Dylan will always be a better person than me.

My name is Luke Gray and I’m a stubborn bitch.

681 days Before Being Rescued.

Dylan – Derek?
Luke – Yeah, Derek.
Dylan – Who’s Derek?
Luke – My boyfriend.
Dylan – What! You never told me you had a boyfriend!
Luke – Well I also didn’t tell you I was gay.
Dylan – But that is kind of a big deal! I mean all this time we have been searching for your brother and I’m thinking you are missing him terribly.
Luke – I am. And can we not talk about my brother? I told you it only makes me upset.
Dylan – Sorry. But what I mean is you must be missing your boyfriend even more.
It was entirely true.
I saw Derek everywhere. I saw him in my dreams. I saw him around me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
I don’t think there is a way to describe how much I missed him.
It’s like the feeling I was going through about my brother.
I couldn’t describe it.
It was so painful and hurt so much that I can’t find a way to make you understand.
But as I showed you, Derek and I had our first encounter some 5 years ago and we had been best mates since we were five years old.
I don’t really know when we considered ourselves dating, so I can’t give you a range, like “We’d been dating for 3 years”
But this boy who I loved with all my heart, who I saw pretty much everyday of my entire life was gone from me.
And what hurt even more was not being able to tell him I was okay.
I knew he was hurting.
I knew his heart was crushed.
To be told I was in a plane crash and that I was missing.
I mean it was the same way with my parents.
But I was more worried about Derek.
Because my parents had each other.
Derek had no one.
We did have a couple other friends, but him and I were what counted. He and I only had and only wanted each other.
And now I was gone without reason, without hope, leaving him entirely alone.
It crushed me so much more than my brother being missing.

Dylan – Well it must completely suck to not be able to talk to him.
Luke – You have no idea.
Dylan – I’m here for you, if you want to talk about it.
Luke – Nah, I don’t think it’s fair to you.
Dylan – I don’t mind.
Luke – I’m still not gonna talk about him.
Dylan – Why?
Luke – Because.
Dylan – Luke, stop being stubborn.
Luke – Why do you care?
Dylan – Because I do! Why wouldn’t I? He means a lot to you and you mean a lot to me.
He quickly stumbled on his words.
Dylan – I mean you and I are best friends. I just want you to know I’m here for you.
Luke – Derek is my best friend.
He sounded a little disappointed hearing that.
Dylan – That’s fine. But that doesn’t change our relationship. We are both stuck here. Just you and me. So you shouldn’t hold anything back.
I was so stubborn then. Well I still am. But I was stubborn on stupid things then.
Luke – What do you want to know?
Dylan – I don’t know, anything. Who is he?
Luke – He’s Derek. My best friend.
Dylan – And your boyfriend?
Luke – Pretty much.
Dylan – Well that’s cool.
Luke – So you see why I can’t be with you.
Dylan – Yeah...
Luke – Okay, so let’s go back.
I stood up and walked away from him. He didn’t immediately say anything.
Dylan – Dude, wait.
I stopped and looked back at him.
Dylan – You know me. I always just do what you want. But now I’m telling you get back over here. You are gonna talk to me for once.
I had never seen him talk like that to me.
He wasn’t angry, but for once voicing his opinion.
It was different, I’ll say that much.
But it made me listen to him.
Luke – What?
Dylan – Come back and sit down.
I did what he said. I think some part of me wanted him to say that.
I never tell anyone that much about me.
I’m very secretive and hold in my feelings.
Just writing this to you is taking a lot out of me because it is completely against who I am. But I know I need to. I need to tell someone.
And I needed to tell someone then too.
It was a subconscious desire that made me glad he was there and that he cared.
Dylan – How about I talk first and then you will talk after?
Luke – Uh, I guess.
Dylan – So you know what it’s like to keep this a secret?
Luke – Yeah.
Dylan – What about liking someone?
Luke – What do you mean?
Dylan – You know, holding in your feelings.
Luke – I’ve never liked anyone besides Derek.
Dylan – You are telling me you only ever liked one person?
Luke – Yup.
Dylan – I dunno. That’s kinda hard to believe.
Luke – Well believe it.
Dylan – How did you and Derek start?
Luke – I guess we were best friends and it just happened.
Dylan – So you didn’t have some huge crush on him and have to go through holding it in?
Luke – No, I guess I didn’t.
Dylan – Can you tell me more about Derek? Please, I just want to know.
His expression made me trust him. He needed to hear it, I could just tell.
Luke – Derek and I were best friends since we were toddlers. We are neighbors and our parents are good friends, so as kids, we saw each other a lot. And we just clicked.
Dylan – I wish I had someone like that.
Luke – What do you mean?
Dylan – When I was a kid, well.. uh. So what happened between you two? How did you become boyfriends?
Luke – I don’t really remember when it happened. But one time he told me what a blowjob was.
Dylan – What!? Told you?
Luke – Well gave me...
Dylan – How old were you?
Luke – I dunno. Young.
He let out a smirk.
Luke – Shut up.
Dylan – No, it’s kinda cute.
Luke – Yeah, well we didn’t know what it meant. We both just weren’t into girls and we agreed we both liked it, so we kept doing it.
Dylan – And no one took note of it?
Luke – We did it alone, no one knew.
Dylan – Did you know it was “gay”?
Luke – No.
Dylan – So what happened next?
Luke – Not much. We were just best friends who occasionally .. you know.
Dylan – Did you like him then?
Luke – I liked him as my friend. I didn’t know I liked him sexually, if that’s what you mean.
Dylan – That’s sweet.
Luke – What is sweet about it?
Dylan – I’m just guessing here, but it seems like you two gained feelings over time and eventually realized you were boyfriends.
Luke – Pretty much.
Dylan – I think it’s the perfect fairy tale.
Luke – Except this happened.
Dylan – Well you got to meet me.
Luke – Yeah...
Dylan – I know what you are thinking, you’d give it up to be back with him.
I didn’t answer.
Dylan – I would too if I was you.
I only looked back into his eyes.
Dylan – So you really have no idea how good it feels to finally say that to you.
Luke – Say what?
Dylan – That I like you. It has been tearing me apart for so long. I have debated telling you countless times. I didn’t know how. I tried a few times but I just got out of it and changed the subject.
Luke – Well, I’m glad you did.
Dylan – So you will talk to me a bit more now?
Luke – Yeah. I’ll tell you about Derek.
Dylan – I mean about everything.
Luke – Maybe.

Dylan was accepting of everything. I knew he liked me. It was very obvious from that point. But he never asked about the two of us.
He asked about Derek all the time.
We would stay up late and I’d tell him stories of Derek and I.
He would always ask for all sorts of details in each story.
And for me, as much as it made me miss Derek and miss being home, I liked talking about my past.
When I was with Dylan, everything felt okay.
I could tell him anything.
It was a feeling I never had with anyone else.
It is hard to explain to you.
Because you see me as someone who reveals everything.
But that is because I have to. I have to tell everything to make you understand.
And you will never meet me. You will never have to look at me as I tell you. You will not add that pressure or intimidation that every other person I met placed on me.
Dylan was the one and only person I felt entirely comfortable with.
I just wish I still had him.
So I could kiss him again.

Stranded 14

Okay, so you and I both know I forget to tell you bits and pieces here and there.
Well this is definitely not one of those times.
There was no way I could just not tell you.
I knew I was going to.
But it was a matter of when and how.
And this is the best time.
Because up to now, who cared.
But Dylan’s decision to reveal his secret basically forced me to explain to you another story.
Though this is again like my story with Sterling. I don’t really know its importance.
But unlike with Sterling, I want to tell you.
Because this person is very, very special to me.
Except it is all my fault. I messed everything up.

My name is Luke Gray and this is the beginning of my story.

1511 days before the crash

I could give you bits of information.
I could say his name is Derek and he is the same age as me.
Curly blonde hair, blue eyes.
My real best friend.
But what’s the fun in that.
You won’t understand it.
You won’t believe it.
It’s like me telling you it’s raining today.
I could just blatantly say it.
Or I could tell you how Sterling and I went for a walk in the rain and came back soaked.
Which, side note, it’s pretty fun. You should give it a try.
Not to mention seeing his hair all wet and in locks covering his eyes.
It’s just a beautiful sight on any guy.
Okay, sorry. I’ll focus.
Derek.
See, I could tell you about a lot of times.
Any of them would work. Any and you would be able to see we were best friends since we were six.
You could see we were always together.
Attached like brothers.
Going on family trips, having sleepovers.
Just the two of us.
We were a perfect match.
But again, I could tell you everything or I could prove it to you.
And the way I see it, there is only one particular time to start.
It just explains so simply my relationship with him.
You will understand it without me needing to say what happened next.
But I will say this:
Hey you!
If you don’t like this genre, stop reading now.
Cause you have my one warning.
I don’t like you anyway.
Gays and bi’s rule.
Go away to your boring unoriginal hetero relationships.

I think I was about 9 or 10, I don’t really remember.
Derek – I saw my cousin over the weekend.
Derek’s cousin was an interesting guy. I met him a couple times and he was very friendly.
But one thing for sure is he was not afraid to tell us what we should do.
He always told us these awesome things that the “big” kids were doing.
It made Derek and I feel cool.
So any chance we had to listen to what he was saying, we took it.
Luke – Oh really? He show you anything interesting?
Derek – Well I wouldn’t say show, but he told me about something.
Luke – Don’t keep it a secret, you gotta tell me.
Derek – It was kinda weird.
Luke – So? We’re best friends, nothing is weird between us two.
Derek – He said he has a girlfriend now.
Luke – Ew.
Derek – I know, right?
We both laughed.
Luke – How can he do that? I thought he was cool.
Derek – That’s what I told him. But he said when we get older we’ll like girls too.
Luke – Ugh, I don’t want to get old then. You and I are gonna be best friends forever. We don’t need girls.
Derek – I agree.
Luke – How old is your cousin now anyway? How much longer do we have?
Derek – He’s 15.
Luke – Ugh, we can’t ever give in to it, promise me?
Derek – Promise.

Derek – But there was something else he was talking about.
Luke – It better not be kissing.
Derek – Well yes, but there was more. He said it was this awesome feeling. He said I needed to find a girlfriend to try it with.
Luke – What is it?
Derek – And we both agree we don’t want a girlfriend anytime soon right?
Luke – Yeah, just tell me dude!
Derek – Do you trust me?
Luke – Of course, we are soul mates, you know that.
Derek – I know, but I want to try something. Close your eyes.
Luke – Okay.
I closed my eyes.
We were sitting in my room playing around with action figures or whatever we did in those days.
He pushed me back so I was laying flat on the ground.
Luke – What are you doing?
Derek – Just keep your eyes closed.
He did something I never would expect him to do.
He unbuttoned my jeans.
Luke – Hey!
Derek – Stay down.
He pushed my chest back down.
Derek – You gotta trust me.
Luke – I do.
I let go of any tension in my body and let him surprise me.
He unzipped my pants but all I could do was giggle because I am extremely ticklish.
Luke – You’re tickling me!
Derek – No. This is tickling...
And he actually did tickle me.
I sat up and pushed him off, tackling him and landing on top of his body.
We wrestled a bit because neither one of us would ever give in to a fight.
But my pants fell down when I tried to stand up and get away from him causing me to trip.
Luke – Hey! You did that on purpose.
I was on my back and went to pull back up my jeans.
Derek – No, wait.
He put his hand on one of my legs signaling me to stop.
Derek – This is what I wanted to show you.
Luke – What? My boxers?
Derek – No. Get on your bed.
Luke – Okay.
I stood up again trying to pull up my pants.
Derek – Nope.
He pulled off my pants all the way.
Luke – Hey! Give them back.
Derek – Just lay down.
Luke – Only if you give me my pants!
Derek – I will. But I want to try this.
I was in a playful mood at the time. I had no idea what he was trying to do. It was never something I would ever imagine.
I gave in to his demands and laid back on the bed and closed my eyes.
He reached for the top of my boxers and pulled out the front away from my skin so I could feel a breeze.
At first I was surprised.
Luke – Hey!
But as soon as I said it my mind became very distracted. I didn’t make him let go. And he didn’t say anything back.

Okay, time for some discussion.
This was my very first time. But first time for what?
At the time, I didn’t know what it was. I just liked it. It felt good.
I didn’t know what being gay meant.
I just trusted my best friend. I let him do what ever his crazy cousin told him.
And it did go pretty far, because very soon I felt some moisture.
At first I had no idea what he was doing. I thought he just poured water on his hand or licked his fingers. But then I felt his whole face hit my legs.
And then I realized what he was doing.
But it felt so incredibly good. I wasn’t grossed or creeped out.
I only wanted him to keep going.
And he did.
For what felt like ages.
It was the longest silence two 9 year olds could have.
But I couldn’t keep it silent forever.
I had this incredible urge.
I let out a moan.
And he pulled off of me.
Derek – You okay?
Luke – Don’t stop.
I pushed his head back down.

After awhile we eventually stopped.
We were both sitting on my bed on opposite sides.
I had no pants or boxers on while he sat fully clothed.
We were silent.
He finally broke it.
Derek – What did it feel like?
Luke – Amazing. If that is what it’s like to be with a girl, then I can’t wait.
He smiled at me proud of himself.
Derek – Well we don’t really need a girl to do it.
Luke – You are right. You can do it.
Derek – Yeah!
He was quite happy with me saying that to him.
Luke – Wait, what was is “it” called?
Derek – I don’t know. My cousin didn’t tell me.
Luke – Oh. Well what was it like on your end?
Derek – Awesome. Why don’t you give it a try?
Luke – Okay! Lie down.

And you get where this went.
I figured this was the best way to tell you.
Derek was my absolute best friend. We did everything together.
And we trusted each other.
So when Derek learned of this new “technique” from his cousin, he came to me. He wanted to know what was so amazing about it.
And we both found out together.

Stranded 13

You might ask why we didn’t put more effort into creating a signal fire or coming up with a way to get off the island.
Well we did. We absolutely did.
Countless attempts were made to come up with ways to let the world know where we were.
But it really doesn’t matter.
We were rescued.
You know that.
So the failed attempts, let’s just leave those out.
If it really bothers you, then go get stranded on an island yourself and see what you come up with. I’ll bet our ideas will be very similar.
Well actually I think we should leave out my failed attempts.
When it comes to Ian’s...

My name is Luke Gray and you get no hint.

681 Days Before Being Rescued

Well I told you I could jump ahead a couple months.
And this is when I meant.
This is when everything began to get interesting.

Dylan and I were back from our daily excursion. What we specifically did that day, I don’t remember, but he and I were relaxing by the nearly completed huts Tyler had been working on.
Tyler – Hey dudes, can I get some help with this?
Luke – Of course, what do you need?
Dylan and I got up without hesitation.
Tyler – I’m gonna need as many hands as possible.
Dylan – Should we get Ian?
Tyler – Uh, well he looks pretty occupied over there.
Ian had this brilliant idea of building a raft. It was all he worked on for the last month. Which he had to restart who knows how many times because, well, let’s just say it kept falling apart.
Which was always funny.
He would get pissed and irritated and then storm around. So as long as you weren’t in his path, it always provided some comic relief.
Even Dylan thought it was hilarious.
Why he was building a raft, no one really knew.
I don’t think he planned on sailing off.
Because Zooey openly said she wasn’t going anywhere on a raft he built. And my guess is Dylan was thinking the same thing.
Maybe it was just pride. He had to finish it just to prove to everyone he could do it.
Whatever the case, it was always funny to watch.

This time was no different. He must have thought he could stand up a mast because he kept trying to balance this long log but it would only fall over.
Even Tyler chuckled under his breath when it fell over another time.
Tyler – Guys, I think I’m gonna go help him. How about I get your help tomorrow?
Luke – No problem.
Dylan and I watched Tyler approach Ian. He attempted to catch the log as it fell over. They were too far away to hear what was being said, but it was clear Ian was saying he didn’t want any help.

We started laughing and goofing around as we headed away from camp into the trees.
We chased each other for a little ways before Dylan stopped after I pushed him.
Dylan – Hey Luke, there’s something I really want to tell you.
Luke – Spit it out then, loser.
We always gave each other “mean” nicknames.
Dylan – Let’s go to the stream.
The stream was a place we found that no one else knew about. It was peaceful and beautiful. There was a waterfall about 6 feet high with a small pool below it. The waterfall only ran for a day or two after it rained, so for the most part the water at the base sat still.
Dylan and I would go to the stream to hide and be by ourselves. Not to mention to take a swim or bathe in fresh water.
And no, we weren’t greedy not sharing it.
There was a larger pond closer to camp that Tyler found where we got most of our water.
So this area was reserved for Dylan and I.

He was quiet on the walk over.
Luke – So what’s got you all choked up?
Dylan – Uh, I don’t really know how to say this.
Luke – Say what? Hey, let’s go for a swim.
Dylan – Wait. Uh.
I was completely oblivious of the serious conversation he was trying to have.
Dylan – I have wanted to say this to you for a long time.
Luke – Um, okay?
Dylan – I just wanted to say...

I had only one thought.
He was going to tell me who Zooey and Ian were.
I knew how much he wanted to keep it a secret.
I saw it in him that he was hiding something from me.
I knew he wanted to say it to me.
It was just that feeling, sort of an awkwardness that existed but what it meant left me blank.

Dylan – I think I like you.
Luke – Aw, thanks. I like you too. But what does that have anything to do with...?
Dylan – No. I mean...
I remember looking into his eyes and understanding what he meant.
Luke – Oh.
Dylan – I’m sorry.
Luke – What? Don’t be sorry.
Dylan – I don’t want to gross you out.
Luke – What, no. Trust me, you don’t gross me out.
Dylan – Ugh, I’ve never said something like that out loud.
I hadn’t told anyone of my sexuality on the island. I had no reason to. There was no one I was attracted to that I knew of.
Dylan – I feel so stupid.
Luke – Don’t. I don’t care.
I grabbed the top of his hand and made him look me in the eyes.
Luke – It’s cool man.
I never thought I’d tell anyone on the island I was gay. Even though Dylan was admitting it to me, it never crossed my mind to tell him about me.
Dylan – Agh, I can’t believe I just told you that.
Luke – You know you can tell me anything, right?
Dylan – I guess.
I had to calm him down. I could tell he was feeling really weird and this conversation needed to move on.
I really didn’t care what his sexuality was.
He was my best friend there and nothing was going to change that.
Luke – Offer’s still out there to go for a swim.
Dylan – Luke, are you gay?
I was absolutely not expecting those words out of his mouth.
I couldn’t lie to him. But I didn’t want to say the truth.
I only paused.

The look in his eyes made me say something. I couldn’t hold it in.
Luke – Yes.
His face went blank.
Dylan – Really?
Now I was feeling just as stupid as he was.
Luke – Yeah.
I looked away from him now. I couldn’t make eye contact. I didn’t want him judging me.
Dylan – Luke?

I didn’t say anything.
I don’t know if you can understand what I was thinking.
I mean some of you might. My guess is this might go under the genre of LGBT way in the future, like after everyone forgets.
So you might have some sort of an idea.
But describing it to someone who doesn’t understand, I don’t know if I can.
I’ve never had to tell anyone before.
I mean my brother told me. But that’s for another time.
But this feeling.
It’s like you hold something inside of you for so long, you become trapped by it.
It’s that jail cell surrounded by vertical steel bars, that no matter how hard you squeeze and pull and push, they don’t break. It’s all you want, to just escape it.
But then a big keychain named Dylan rattles into your life and offers to open the door.
He pulls it wide open giving you a new view.
Nothing is holding you in anymore and you can walk past the secret.
You can smell and taste the freedom of it.
Nothing is there to keep you from being yourself.
I felt for once I was able to be the real Luke that hides behind the bars.
It was freeing me.
It felt good. I felt I could do or say anything.
Dylan – Do you like me?
Except answer that.
I never thought of him as anything more than a friend.
Luke – I dunno.
Dylan – Well, I really like you.
I still didn’t say anything nor did I look at him.
Dylan – Like a lot.
My hand was still on top of his so he turned it around and locked our fingers.
Dylan – What do you think?
Luke – No.
I pulled my hand out of his.
Dylan – Why?
Luke – I just can’t.
Dylan – But why? No one needs to know. It can be our secret.
I finally gained the courage to make eye contact with him.
Luke – I’m sorry, it’s not you. You know I like you as a friend. But...
He looked so disappointed.

Dylan – You really are? I always thought you might be.
Luke – I look gay?
Dylan – No, I mean, I dunno. I mean, you look like Luke, my best friend. But I dunno. Maybe it was the part of me that wanted you. Maybe it was that part that told me you could be.
I didn’t want to look gay. At the time I wasn’t exactly proud of it. I didn’t want anyone to know.
He might have opened the jail cell, but I still wanted it covering me to everyone else.
Dylan – But why not though? I’m sorry I keep asking. But how perfect is this?
Luke – Dylan, I’m sorry.
Dylan – You really aren’t giving a reason. I can tell there is something else. Do you like me back?
Luke – I dunno.
I looked at him. I gave him a shot. For the first time I looked at him as something other than a friend. But I only wanted him to be my friend.
Dylan – Please tell me what you are thinking.
Luke – Dylan, it’s not you at all. Trust me.
Dylan – Then what is it?
Luke – Well, it’s more of a who.
Dylan – Uh, then who is it?
Luke – Derek.