You ever think back to when you were a child? Think back so long that only certain memories you retain. These early memories that make you who you are. I know these have shaped who I am but I refuse to ever let them go. I want to know what happened. I want to know what pieces of the puzzle I am missing.
I saw Johnny turn around once more and look into my eyes. Oh man, I think I’m in love. I waved goodbye to him. He smiled and I think he blushed as he kept walking on.
What on earth did I just do?
First a complete stranger made me freeze up simply by looking into his eyes. That shouldn’t happen to me. I can talk to anyone.
But it wasn’t just that. Maybe I was just surprised to see him at first. I’ve been startled before. But he actually froze my body. I couldn’t move and just stood there for who knows how long after he left. His touch and his face were stuck in my mind and I couldn’t escape it. It was as if my body was left behind as I entered a world where only this shaggy dark-haired boy existed.
And once I was transported back to my body the only thing I could do was go sit down.
I couldn’t think, I couldn’t concentrate. Mr. Smooth was brought to his demise. Did I loose it? Could I have lost my touch? Did I have to give up and just go sit at home and listen to my mother?
And then when I was finally coming to my senses ready to give up, he appeared in front of me. And it hit me. He was gorgeous. I knew I was gay because I have had other crushes and fantasies before. I was very aware of this and could control it. But this stranger instantly blew away any competition.
It was a feeling I never had before. I guess love at first sight is possible. So I did all that I knew how to do. And that was lie about who I was. I let this Sam person take me over. He became my whole body as Max was shut down into a small void called infatuation.
I gave up, as Sam reached into my body and took my skill and pushed it to a whole new level. He made himself the perfect guy. The perfect guy that I, Max, dream about.
And I let him without a fight.
It was like a cancer, a virus. And Sam did the one thing Max would never do. Agree to meet again.
That just goes against my code. I agreed to meet someone again. This damn ‘Sam Allen’.
But as much as it bothered me, because I never want my true self to be revealed, I was consciously okay with Sam setting up this date. I wanted to see Johnny again. I didn’t want him to leave. His stupid friend, this Logan. What a tool. Why did he pull him away? What did he have that Sam didn’t?
But who really knows anything about this Johnny. I know nothing about him. I know he has a brother. I know he has a great smile, great eyes, a great body. But is he gay? Does he know he’s gay? Did I make him realize?
I don’t know.
But one thing is for sure. I don’t want to lose any possible friendship with Johnny. I had to tell him the truth.
Well, maybe not the whole truth. Who wanted to be with a guy like me. A fake with no dad, a drunk mom. I would consider myself a bit pathetic.
I would just have to use something a little less “perfect”.
All I know is what Sam made me out as, he is not real. And Johnny may not want anything less than a Sam. But Sam is not real. Max is. I had to stop it.
I couldn’t let Sam take me over again. I would lose control. And that can’t happen next time.
Sam Allen needs a stake put in him.
I got up after Johnny left. I had to work out my mess. I had to think this over. For once I couldn’t just make up a new person on the spot. I had to take what I said and use it to create someone that resembles who I am with the qualities of Sam Allen.
I went to the bridge. That is the most peaceful spot I knew that I could think. I stayed there until dark just staring into the water.
It was getting late so I gave in and decided to go home. It occurred to me: I have Johnny’s number, but no way of calling him. I could use a pay phone, but Sam doesn’t use a pay phone. He uses a cell phone, something he can be called, texted, whatever, anytime, anywhere. If this were to work I had to get a cell phone.
No, damn it. It is happening again. Sam has a cell phone, but Max does not. I can’t let Sam take over.
I arrived at home. I could see the light in the kitchen was on. My mother was awake.
I opened the door as quietly as possible. Maybe I could slip upstairs. Except the door creaked. Damn.
Mom – Where the hell have you been?
She wasn’t drunk. She was ten times worse as a sober because she knew who I was.
Max – I was just out.
Mom – Well I needed you here. Have you seen this place?
I try not to think about it. I try to walk through the house with my eyes closed.
The house is very small, maybe a 20-foot width, two floors, each with two rooms. The downstairs has a family room and a kitchen, the upstairs two bedrooms and a bathroom.
It’s part of the row home stamps built on expanding city edges in the 1920s. Most of the houses have been condemned but I don’t think they would even need to tell us about ours. They could just knock it over as it is and nothing would be missed, nothing salvaged.
The reason they don’t, and believe me they have tried, is a few people still won’t sell. Builders want to come in and redevelop the whole block. I’m all for it. It would bring a little life back into this pathetic dump land.
This house my great-grandfather bought and it has been in the family ever since. We moved here when I was three, which was about the last time I saw my dad.
Everyone has one very clear early memory. Mine definitely was the move into this dump. My mom was crying, so was I. She put me in the backseat of the car. I remember what seemed like the longest ride I had ever been in.
We arrived at this place. My mom took my hand and brought me inside. She told me this was our new home. It looked about the same as it does now, some 12 years later. One couch, a foldable kitchen table. One mattress in each room upstairs. It was entirely abandoned, but apparently ours.
I remember asking when my dad would get there. It always upset my mom. She told me he is never coming back, that he is a bad person and she had to protect me from him. That is why were there. She didn’t let me leave the house, ever. She said he could find me and hurt me and take me somewhere horrible. She made me deathly afraid of him, afraid to leave the house, afraid of everything.
Then when I was about 5 and she actually needed me to leave to go somewhere, I refused. I remember her screaming and pulling at me as I grasped the bedpost for my life. She went on to tell me my dad was in prison and I no longer had anything to fear.
And now here I am standing in the same dump.
Mom – You were supposed to clean the bathroom. I can’t even sit on the toilet.
Probably because she missed last time she threw up.
Max – Sorry, I’ll do it now.
Mom – And would you make me some dinner?
I did each of her tasks as she yelled and complained about how pathetic I am. She told me I was going to turn into my father. End up in jail if I didn’t do everything she wanted me to do. She said how lucky I was to have her there to keep myself from turning into him.
By now she was drinking again.
I didn’t dare say anything to her. That is how I kept her on the other side of the room. But very quickly I let my mind drift back into the events during the day. Johnny’s face was stuck in my mind.
I pulled out his number, memorizing it. I had to talk to him again. I had to call him. But how?
Max – Hey mom, could I have a cell phone? This way you can call me when you need me.
Holy shit. When did Sam get here?
Remember, when I said she was ten times worse as a sober. Well I thanked god she started drinking.
My mother paused, I was afraid of what she would say or do. My eyes were wide enough from letting Sam in. I couldn’t believe what she did next.
She actually started laughing at me. She pointed at me and laughed like the office girl that gets a buzz at the company picnic.
Mom – You’re too much, Max. A cell phone? That’s just too funny.
I was too much in shock to move.
Mom – What are you gonna ask for next? A laptop computer? Your own car? A personal chauffeur? I’ll get right on that. Or how about this: Ask your dad. You know, when I was your age...
Well the one good thing I should thank Sam for, was it got me an escape from her. She was going to be passed out soon, which meant I could leave and get some sleep. Some sleep I desperately needed.
I woke up to my body being shaken.
Father – Sam, wake up. Sam.
Where am I? He kept shaking.
Father – Sam, it’s nearly noon.
I rolled over and saw a man that looked vaguely familiar. Though I was mostly asleep, so I doubt I would have recognized my own mother.
I went to pull the blanket off my body, but it wasn’t there. I sat up and noticed I was sitting on the city park bench. I was fully clothed and the man was sitting next to me.
Father – Good Morning, Sam.
Max – Who are you?
Father – Who am I? That’s a good one. Were you up too late again last night?
It was such a surreal feeling. A dream. I knew it wasn’t real, but if I actually became Sam, I didn’t want it to end.
Father – Get up, Sam. Let’s go for a walk.
We just walked around the paths. I don’t remember what we spoke about, I’m not even sure we were talking at all. But one thing I do remember. Everyone knew me.
Little Girl – Hi Sam!
Guy – Sup, Sam?
Lady – Good morning, Sam. Pleasant morning, isn’t it?
Carrie – Nice to see you again, Sam.
Father – You look troubled, son.
What? Oh, right. Sam had a father. A real, live, breathing father. And he was standing next to me.
Max – Dad?
Father – Yea, Sam?
I looked up at him. A father. A male adult who I can talk to. I knew this was a dream simply because this was my personal dream.
Suddenly someone put their arm around my opposite shoulder.
Mom – Good Morning, Sam.
I looked over.
Max – Hi Mom.
Whoa. It was my mother, but not as a drunk. She was beautiful, happy, smiling. Somehow, I instantly recognized her even though she looked like a whole new person.
Mom – I believe our son would like a cell phone.
Father – Well, Sam, just look around you. Don’t you see all these smiling friendly faces?
Father – Look what is in each of their hands.
A cell phone.
Father – It’s yours to take. You know how to do it.
I woke up. I was back in the dump, this time with a blanket around me.
Steal a cell phone? I can’t do that. That goes against my code. And forget the code, that just isn’t right.
Stealing a shirt or a loaf of bread is for survival. But a cell phone, a piece of electronics, that is for desire. And I, Max, do not give in to desire.
Sam’s dad’s words were ringing in my head.
Father – It’s yours to take...
And Johnny’s.
Johnny – My name is Johnny.
Father – Look what is in each of their hands.
Johnny – You wanna meet up some time...
It was getting louder and louder as I stared at the ceiling. I covered my ears and started humming to block their sound as they were both yelling at me to commit a crime.
I couldn’t take it.
Max – Fine I’ll go look!
I yelled out loud. The voices stopped. I took a deep breath as I wiped the sweat off my forehead.
This is ridiculous.
I was at the city park. It was the middle of the summer, so a lot of kids my age were around. I was wearing a plain tshirt and jeans to just look normal. My heart was racing. This just wasn’t cool. It really bothered me what I convinced myself to do.
I looked around and sure enough, I saw phones sitting out or poking through a purse all over. It really was that easy. And as Sam’s dad told me, I ‘knew how to do it’.
But how is this actually going to work? I take it and then it becomes mine forever? No way. It will become deactivated in a few days. And then what do I say to Johnny? Do I get a new cell number every week?
No, I just need it for a few days until I can see him and tell him who I really am.
I saw a girl about my age that put her phone and wallet down for a minute.
I whispered.
Max – Sam, this is me digging your grave.
No comments:
Post a Comment