love perspective 4: ricky

Some say a flap of a butterfly wing in Kansas can cause a Tsunami in Japan. They call this the butterfly effect and I always wonder which of my thousands of daily decisions will lead to this phenomenon.

Today is the day the Trio of Trevis goes to my favorite place: the creek.  It’s not that far of a walk.  We just head north on our street, Trevis Ave, until it ends and horse trail picks up.  It’s about half a mile into the trees.  I love the place because of how peaceful and untouched it is. 

We live on the border of the city and rural farmland, so it seems everything is being knocked down and turned into a Walmart clone.  But the creek will never be touched because of land zoning.  So I can always count on it.  I know I can come back in 50 years and our three initials will still be carved in the same tree.

Every Wednesday since we met a dozen years ago we found ourselves at the same creek.  Today, we headed out around ten and Billie packed some sandwiches and drinks.  She always packs the same thing.  For herself, turkey with swiss, Justin takes his roast beef, and me, I am still a kid at heart.  I love a peanut butter sandwich.

Justin apparently slept in, so we were waiting outside his house for about ten minutes.  I didn’t mind.  Spending alone time with Billie is enjoyable.  She can be pretty quiet when the three of us are altogether.  I like just sitting on the curb listening what is on her mind.

Justin finally strolled out of the house, with his little brother, Johnny, right behind.  I don’t mind when he joins because it makes Justin act like a real human.  It proves to me I have something to strive for and my feelings aren’t for a shallow hog.  Plus, Johnny’s kinda cute.  He’s still in high school but I feel he fits in our group pretty well.

We started the walk. It was a cool summer morning.  The dew is still on the grass and the fog still needed to be burned off.

Billie – Justin you gotta tell me when Johnny is coming, so I can bring and extra sandwich.

Justin – Johnny is coming.

Typical Justin response.  He didn’t even blink an eye or change his expression.  Johnny walked in the back of the pack with Billie.  He must have said something like he already ate to Billie because she dropped the topic pretty quickly. 

I always found it interesting how similar Johnny and Justin looked.  Johnny was literally a Justin with “substance”.  Another reason I liked having him join. 

We walked all the way to creek bed and Justin immediately started skipping the new pebbles that last weekend’s storm brought in.

So how old are we? Billie and I were born on the same day some 18 years ago.  Justin is 17, his birthday in three weeks.  We finished high school last year and this is our last summer before we all head to the next challenge in life. 

Personally I am very anxious to move on and embrace my interests.  But I want the most out of this particular summer.  Because Billie can only keep us together for so long before our future pulls us apart.

I always started the conversations.  Usually from something I read online the night before.  Justin would always pick the opposite side and the two of us were off in another debate.  This time it was different.  Johnny walked up to me kinda nervously.

Johnny - Can we talk upstream?

Ricky - Sure.

I didn’t think much of this, as I’ve spent many nights at Justin’s and Johnny would usually find some reason to join, especially when we were all younger.  I always saw him as the brother I never had.

I looked over to see Justin yet again teaching Billie to skip rocks.  You’d think by now she would have learned.

We walked up around the creek bend and I sat on a rock.  Johnny sat on the pebbles facing the water while I was directly aimed at him.  I waited for him to speak.  It looked like he didn’t know where to begin.

Johnny – What do you think of my brother?

That was a weird question.  Johnny is different than my friend, I know that, but some times when I look at him, I expect something very similar to what would come out of Justin’s mouth.

Ricky - What do you mean? He’s my best friend, so that usually results in my liking him.

But there was indeed more than that.  I more than “liked” Justin.  I’ve had a thing for him for years.  But I could never tell anyone.  I’ve been in the closet for so long a layer of dust is covering my true self. 

Johnny – I dunno.

He still never turned to me, he threw a stone into the water.

Johnny – You’ve never had a girlfriend, and I dunno, I don’t mean to accuse you of anything.  But say you liked guys.  What would that mean?

I was in a bit of shock.  Could he know? How was that possible?  Did Justin know?

He had a good point.  I never dated.  How could he tell? Was it my voice.  You know when you hear your voice through a recording and it sounds different than you think.  I always thought my voice sounded “gay”.  Does that mean others noticed.  I felt a rush of blood come to my face.

Johnny finally turned to me.

Then it occurred to me. He is asking about himself.  I took a deep breath but covered it by slipping down and sitting closer to him.  He had a rock in his hand and I placed my hand on his.

Ricky – It’s okay man.  I don’t go that way, but it’s completely cool if you are.

I guess lying about this isn’t completely horrible.  It’s not as if Justin was asking me this. 

Johnny was quiet.  Honestly, what do you say when someone trusts you enough to come out.  It made me feel like an older brother.  To have a sibling, something I never experienced as an only child.

Johnny – Well don’t tell Justin.  I mean I don’t know what he’d say or do. And my parents...

Ricky – Johnny, you are my little brother.  You know you can trust me.

He looked back at the water. I could tell he was feeling kinda stupid.  I know I would be. It was my responsibility to say something.  The best thing to do would be to come out to him.  I know Johnny would keep it a secret.  But how would that feel?  To say it, to admit it.  To let something out that is deep inside me. 

That layer of dust suddenly seemed really thin.  I should do it.  I took a quiet breath.

Ricky – So how long have you known?

What? How did that happen?  I guess a quiet breath can’t prepare you.

Johnny – I met this guy the other day.  He caused my mind to behave in a way I never thought it could.  And I’ve been thinking about it more recently.  I think I’ve always just sort of knew, but wouldn’t admit it.  Like when I had sex with my last girlfriend...

Whoa, time out here. Even my best friend’s little brother isn’t a virgin these days.

Johnny – ...I just didn’t feel anything.  The whole time I was just thinking how awkward it was.  I probably just put up with it because that is the way we are raised.

Ricky – Makes sense.

What else do I say?  The two of us could sit and talk for hours about the same decisions and the struggles we both are independently going though.  I mean the last few things he said were as if he was giving advice to me.  Maybe we could both get through this together.

Nah.  I’m not as brave as Johnny.

Ricky – Well we should get back to the others.  I don’t want them thinking much of it.

Johnny – Eh.  I’m sure my brother is just unsuccessfully trying to woo Billie again.

We both laughed and stood up.  I knew I made the conversation shorter than Johnny wanted.  I felt bad about it.  But I really didn’t know what to say.  I would need to think this all over for a few days in my head.

Ricky – I don’t mean to make this short, but you can come to me whenever you want.  I’m always here for you, man.

He gave me a quick hug that you would give your mother.  It felt nice coming from someone who trusted me.

Johnny – Thanks.

Justin – What are you two queers hugging about?