love perspective 7: ricky

Peer pressure is everywhere, so you can’t judge me for accepting the number from Justin.  Just because you and I know I’m gay, doesn’t mean the world outside my head is ready to know.  I’m not Johnny.  I am not ready.  I had to accept it.

And honestly, when I’m suckered into going on a date with a girl, I just take it as meeting someone new.  I just act myself.  Have a good time.

But it usually comes back to bite me, because for some reason girls really like us gay guys.  I bet that must mean something.. gay guys are better people. 

Heck, if I out myself, maybe I’ll end up with more friends.  Though, I just have this feeling this current situation with Johnny will pass over leaving me still covered in that closet dust.

It just hurts somewhere down in me, that I got set up by the guy I want.  It hurts that I can’t tell him.  But what was I supposed to say, ‘No.  I like you”, to Justin?

But, I will go meet this girl, Maggie.  Ask to show her around.  Maybe hang out a couple times.  It will turn into another acquaintance around the neighborhood.  I’m perfectly cool with that.

I walked over to her house instead of calling.  I am not a fan of calling people I don’t know.  I saw a girl that looked like what Justin would call a chick.  This must be Maggie.  She was sitting outside reading a book.

Ricky – Hey, are you Maggie?

She was cute I guess.  Maybe my type if my type were a girl.

Maggie – You must be Justin’s friend.

She looked at me like she was expecting something obnoxious.

Ricky – Guilty.  Just don’t take anything he says seriously.  He just plays around.

Maggie – He sure is something.

Ricky – Yeah, I’m Ricky by the way.

Maggie – It’s nice to meet you.

Ricky – So I hear you are interested in learning the area?

Maggie – That all depends, are you going to show it to me?

Ugh, flirting.

Ricky – I’ll consider it.

I had to flirt back.  Or else she’d get suspicious.  I wasn’t gonna out myself to a complete stranger.

Maggie – So what’s your favorite thing to do around here?

I wasn’t gonna tell her my absolute favorite place to go.  That is for Billie, Justin, and I.

Ricky – I like to just hang out with people honestly.  You know, just talk and chat about whatever.

Maggie – Well how about we chat over some ice cream later today?

Ricky – Sure.

Maggie – Sounds good, come by here around 8.

Well that went as I thought.  Girls usually wind up asking me on dates.  But this one in particular was rather pushy and forward.  Definitely Justin’s type.  Maybe I should talk him up tonight, it can be his birthday present this time.

I headed back to my place.  Billie must have seen me coming back because she came outside.

Billie – Hey, Rick.  You just go meet Justin’s friend?

Ricky – Yeah.

Billie – So what did you think?

Ricky – Think of what?

Billie – Uh, is she your type?

Ricky – I dunno.  She seems much more Justin’s type. 

She grabbed my arm obviously she felt like a walk.  And I’m a sucker to go wandering around talking.

Billie – Good.  So what are you doing now?

Ricky – Well it seems you convinced me to go on a walk.

I smiled at her.

We walked towards the creek and stopped at the start of the horse trail.  We sat in the grass leaning against each other’s backs and just continued to talk.  This is why I like being with Billie so much.  We can just be together, talk about whatever, no drama, no attachment.

We sat in silence as we each just took in the surroundings.

Billie – We should come back here tonight and watch the stars.

I love that about Billie.  She and I enjoy the calm.

Ricky – I’ll see what happens tonight.

Billie – What’s tonight?

Ricky - Maggie asked me to go eat ice cream with her.

She leaned forward and made me fall onto my back.

Billie – Oh.

She sounded disappointed.  Maybe she wanted to go watch a movie or play a board game, a typical Ricky-Billie night.  But I had to get back at her for making me loose my backrest.

I jumped up and knocked her over, pinning her to the ground.

Ricky – Aw, are you jealous?

It was 10 before 8 so I headed down the street.  I planned to take her to the closest ice cream shop.  I brought extra money, because I assume I’d have to pay for her.  I hate that about dates.  Why does the guy always have to pay for the girl?

That got me thinking.  What do two guys do on a date? Pay for themselves? That just makes so much more sense.  Though if I was on a date with Justin or some other really cute guy, I guess I wouldn’t mind paying for him. 

The one thing I always prepared myself for as I walked up to pick up a girl for a date was to come up with a few topics to make the girl think I’m not really interested in her.  Maybe talk about an ex too much or act weird.  Just so I have those few acts ready if she was falling for me.

I arrived at her house and knocked on the door.  She opened it after I knocked a second time.  She looked very nice.  She obviously spent some time preparing herself.

Ricky – Good Evening.

Maggie – Don’t get cute with me yet, I’m still suspicious of you being like your friend.

Ricky – Well then I guess I have a task tonight of disproving that to you.

We headed off.  She was actually pretty interesting.  She would definitely fit in with my group of friends.  I would consider her a more confident version of Billie.

Though definitely not a replacement.

After we ate, we went to the park and just found a quiet bench.  I must have easily disproved her theory of Justin’s resemblance, because she was being extremely flirtatious.  She was coming on almost too strong. 

I pulled out my prepared weapon.  I started talking about some ex girlfriend.

Maggie acted sad for me and gave me a hug saying she’ll help me get through this. 

What the heck?

Okay, moving to phase two.

I started talking about a video game and how I played it for the past 24 hours.

She told me her brother loves playing video games and that I should meet him.

Ugh.  What is wrong with her?  Take a hint.

Why does this happen to me? 

Overall, I mean I did have fun.  Maggie was pretty interesting and fun to be with.  I wouldn’t mind just hanging with her as a friend, like what I do with Billie.  But I could tell she was hitting on me.  She must be the type that likes being in control.

We strolled back to her house.  She did the whole playing with her keys garbage at the front door.

Sorry, you are nice and all, but no.

She looked at my eyes.  I think she got the hint that I wasn’t going to kiss her.

Maggie – You should come in and meet my brother.  He is probably playing some video game now.

Eh, why not?  That couldn’t hurt anything. 

I think.

Maggie – He can be weird sometimes, but if you like video games I’m sure the two of you will get along perfectly.

She brought me up towards his room.  His door was open.  She knocked on the doorframe.

Maggie – Hey Shane, you should meet my date.  He lives up the street.  This is Ricky.

I walked in to shake his hand.

Ricky – Nice to meet you, Shane.

He looked at me like he was in shock and didn’t initially shake my hand. 

Ricky – So, the Sims?

Shane – Yeah, it’s an addicting game.

Ricky – Yeah, it is.  I swore to never play it because of that.

Shane – I try not to play it that much.

Maggie – Heh, that’s a good one.

She laughed quickly.  This obviously was her ploy to get me inside and I fell for it.  She grabbed me by the arm and started to pull.

Ricky – I used to play Diablo all the time.

Maggie let go of me.

Shane – Ah, yeah.  I haven’t played that in ages.

Ricky – I can’t wait until the new one comes out.

Shane – Yeah, it’s been a long time coming.  I just hope they tell us its release date soon.

Maggie leaned on one leg and gave a slight eye roll.  I chuckled in my head.  This is what Justin must feel like all the time.  Honestly, I have never played Diablo, I just wanted to keep up a conversation.

Maggie – Well I hate to break up this dork fest, but c’mon.

I couldn’t stall much longer.  She pulled me out by the arm again.

Ricky – Nice to meet you Shane. 

I waved good-bye to him as Maggie pulled me out the door.

She took me to her room.  Oh god.  What do I do?  I need to think quickly.

She spun my body around as I was now face to face with her.  She looked at my eyes, then my lips.

Girl breath...

I wish I had a mirror to see what my face looked like.  Because internally I was scared, shocked, confused, and everywhere in the middle.  But Maggie wasn’t seeing any of it. 

I managed to back up slightly.  Too bad the bed was right behind me.  She pushed me over and climbed on top of me before I could sit up.  She put each hand on the sides of my legs and slowly moved up my body with one.  She reached my breast and squeezed my muscle.  The opposite hand moved to the inside of my upper leg.

I panicked.  I didn’t know what to do.

Ricky – I’m a virgin!

I didn’t know what else to say.  She was unphased.

Maggie – Everyone is initially.

She placed her lips against mine and kissed.  I did not, though she did it so forcefully, I had to move my lips, which must have been what she was looking for, because she pulled away and lifted my shirt as I tried to stand up.

Ricky – Maggie –

She pushed me back down and pressed one hand down into my chest keeping me fixed to the bed.  The other hand reached for my shorts.  She started to unbutton them and go for the zipper.

Jesus, hasn’t this girl ever heard of a vibrator?

Ricky – No –

She unzipped them all the way feeling my boxers.

Ah, my unprepared weapon...

Maggie – Um?

She let go of my chest and got off the bed.  I sat up zipping and buttoning my shorts.  I stared at her, my mind was blank.

Maggie – Okay, I get it.  You are not interested in me.

And the bells went off in my head.  Hallelujah.

Maggie – I thought you were just shy and nervous. 

Haha, okay, sure that’s it.

Maggie - But tell me, why did you agree to tonight?

Well let’s see, I’m gay, I’m in the closet, my best friend doesn’t know, his little brother is coming out, what was I supposed to do, tell Justin the two guys in his life are homos?

Ricky – Sorry, it’s not you.  I mean, you are really nice.  But I’m just not in any mood to be dating recently.

Maggie – And your friend, Justin, he wasn’t aware of this?

Ricky – Justin doesn’t exactly see the obvious.  And guys don’t go parading around proclaiming they are not interested in girls right now.

Maggie – Not interested in girls?

Shit.

Ricky – No, I mean I just don’t talk about things like that to him.  We just hang out and do whatever.  You know, guy stuff.

Was she buying it?  She paused for a second.

Maggie – Alright.  I’m sorry I came on so strong.  I just like meeting people, especially right after I move.  You know, finding a crowd.

So you touch the gay kid?

Ricky – Yeah, I’m sorry myself.  I did have a good time though.  You should meet some of my other friends.  I’m not sure it’ll work with the dating thing, but finding a crowd I can help with.

Ricky – Can I have my shirt back?

Well I got out of that relatively unscarred.  We agreed to just be friends and that I’d show her around again with those intentions.

It has been too hetero of a night, I needed to embrace my inner gay and watch some high school musical.  Maybe this way I’ll start thinking “straight”.

I know, bad joke.

I stayed in my room thinking the rest of the night.  I kept replaying the conversation with Maggie where she was questioning me.  The more I went through it, the more it felt like I was sitting in a dark police room and she just kept shining that light more and more in my face.

The lies I said were eating away at me.  How many more times could I do it?  Especially now that I’m in the role of support staff for Johnny’s coming out party.  After all, we’re all in this together.  Oh, the movie was ending.

I had to tell her.

I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. 

But I had to meet with Johnny first.

love perspective 6: max

You ever think back to when you were a child?  Think back so long that only certain memories you retain.  These early memories that make you who you are.  I know these have shaped who I am but I refuse to ever let them go.  I want to know what happened. I want to know what pieces of the puzzle I am missing.

I saw Johnny turn around once more and look into my eyes.  Oh man, I think I’m in love.  I waved goodbye to him.  He smiled and I think he blushed as he kept walking on.

What on earth did I just do? 

First a complete stranger made me freeze up simply by looking into his eyes.  That shouldn’t happen to me.  I can talk to anyone.

But it wasn’t just that.  Maybe I was just surprised to see him at first.  I’ve been startled before.  But he actually froze my body.  I couldn’t move and just stood there for who knows how long after he left.  His touch and his face were stuck in my mind and I couldn’t escape it.  It was as if my body was left behind as I entered a world where only this shaggy dark-haired boy existed.

And once I was transported back to my body the only thing I could do was go sit down.

I couldn’t think, I couldn’t concentrate.  Mr. Smooth was brought to his demise.  Did I loose it?  Could I have lost my touch?  Did I have to give up and just go sit at home and listen to my mother?

And then when I was finally coming to my senses ready to give up, he appeared in front of me.  And it hit me.  He was gorgeous.  I knew I was gay because I have had other crushes and fantasies before.  I was very aware of this and could control it.  But this stranger instantly blew away any competition.

It was a feeling I never had before.  I guess love at first sight is possible.  So I did all that I knew how to do.  And that was lie about who I was.  I let this Sam person take me over.  He became my whole body as Max was shut down into a small void called infatuation.

I gave up, as Sam reached into my body and took my skill and pushed it to a whole new level.  He made himself the perfect guy.  The perfect guy that I, Max, dream about.

And I let him without a fight.

It was like a cancer, a virus.  And Sam did the one thing Max would never do.  Agree to meet again.

That just goes against my code.  I agreed to meet someone again.  This damn ‘Sam Allen’. 

But as much as it bothered me, because I never want my true self to be revealed, I was consciously okay with Sam setting up this date.  I wanted to see Johnny again.  I didn’t want him to leave.  His stupid friend, this Logan.  What a tool.  Why did he pull him away?  What did he have that Sam didn’t?

But who really knows anything about this Johnny.  I know nothing about him.  I know he has a brother.  I know he has a great smile, great eyes, a great body.  But is he gay?  Does he know he’s gay? Did I make him realize?

I don’t know.

But one thing is for sure.  I don’t want to lose any possible friendship with Johnny.  I had to tell him the truth.

Well, maybe not the whole truth.  Who wanted to be with a guy like me.  A fake with no dad, a drunk mom.  I would consider myself a bit pathetic.

I would just have to use something a little less “perfect”.

All I know is what Sam made me out as, he is not real.  And Johnny may not want anything less than a Sam.  But Sam is not real.  Max is.  I had to stop it.

I couldn’t let Sam take me over again.  I would lose control.  And that can’t happen next time.

Sam Allen needs a stake put in him.

I got up after Johnny left.  I had to work out my mess.  I had to think this over.  For once I couldn’t just make up a new person on the spot.  I had to take what I said and use it to create someone that resembles who I am with the qualities of Sam Allen.

I went to the bridge.  That is the most peaceful spot I knew that I could think.  I stayed there until dark just staring into the water.

It was getting late so I gave in and decided to go home.  It occurred to me: I have Johnny’s number, but no way of calling him. I could use a pay phone, but Sam doesn’t use a pay phone.  He uses a cell phone, something he can be called, texted, whatever, anytime, anywhere.  If this were to work I had to get a cell phone.

No, damn it.  It is happening again.  Sam has a cell phone, but Max does not.  I can’t let Sam take over.

I arrived at home.  I could see the light in the kitchen was on.  My mother was awake.

I opened the door as quietly as possible.  Maybe I could slip upstairs.  Except the door creaked. Damn.

Mom – Where the hell have you been?

She wasn’t drunk.  She was ten times worse as a sober because she knew who I was.

Max – I was just out.

Mom – Well I needed you here.  Have you seen this place?

I try not to think about it.  I try to walk through the house with my eyes closed.

The house is very small, maybe a 20-foot width, two floors, each with two rooms.  The downstairs has a family room and a kitchen, the upstairs two bedrooms and a bathroom.

It’s part of the row home stamps built on expanding city edges in the 1920s.  Most of the houses have been condemned but I don’t think they would even need to tell us about ours.  They could just knock it over as it is and nothing would be missed, nothing salvaged. 

The reason they don’t, and believe me they have tried, is a few people still won’t sell.  Builders want to come in and redevelop the whole block.  I’m all for it.  It would bring a little life back into this pathetic dump land.

This house my great-grandfather bought and it has been in the family ever since.  We moved here when I was three, which was about the last time I saw my dad. 

Everyone has one very clear early memory.  Mine definitely was the move into this dump.  My mom was crying, so was I. She put me in the backseat of the car.  I remember what seemed like the longest ride I had ever been in.

We arrived at this place.  My mom took my hand and brought me inside.  She told me this was our new home.  It looked about the same as it does now, some 12 years later.  One couch, a foldable kitchen table.  One mattress in each room upstairs.  It was entirely abandoned, but apparently ours.

I remember asking when my dad would get there.  It always upset my mom.  She told me he is never coming back, that he is a bad person and she had to protect me from him.  That is why were there.  She didn’t let me leave the house, ever.  She said he could find me and hurt me and take me somewhere horrible.  She made me deathly afraid of him, afraid to leave the house, afraid of everything.

Then when I was about 5 and she actually needed me to leave to go somewhere, I refused.  I remember her screaming and pulling at me as I grasped the bedpost for my life.  She went on to tell me my dad was in prison and I no longer had anything to fear.

And now here I am standing in the same dump.

Mom – You were supposed to clean the bathroom.  I can’t even sit on the toilet. 

Probably because she missed last time she threw up.

Max – Sorry, I’ll do it now.

Mom – And would you make me some dinner?

I did each of her tasks as she yelled and complained about how pathetic I am.  She told me I was going to turn into my father.  End up in jail if I didn’t do everything she wanted me to do.  She said how lucky I was to have her there to keep myself from turning into him.

By now she was drinking again.

I didn’t dare say anything to her.  That is how I kept her on the other side of the room.  But very quickly I let my mind drift back into the events during the day.  Johnny’s face was stuck in my mind.

I pulled out his number, memorizing it.  I had to talk to him again.  I had to call him.  But how?

Max – Hey mom, could I have a cell phone? This way you can call me when you need me.

Holy shit.  When did Sam get here? 

Remember, when I said she was ten times worse as a sober.  Well I thanked god she started drinking.

My mother paused, I was afraid of what she would say or do.  My eyes were wide enough from letting Sam in.  I couldn’t believe what she did next.

She actually started laughing at me.  She pointed at me and laughed like the office girl that gets a buzz at the company picnic.

Mom – You’re too much, Max.  A cell phone? That’s just too funny.

I was too much in shock to move.

Mom – What are you gonna ask for next? A laptop computer? Your own car? A personal chauffeur? I’ll get right on that.  Or how about this:  Ask your dad.  You know, when I was your age...

Well the one good thing I should thank Sam for, was it got me an escape from her.  She was going to be passed out soon, which meant I could leave and get some sleep.  Some sleep I desperately needed.

I woke up to my body being shaken.  

Father – Sam, wake up. Sam.

Where am I?  He kept shaking.

Father – Sam, it’s nearly noon.

I rolled over and saw a man that looked vaguely familiar.  Though I was mostly asleep, so I doubt I would have recognized my own mother.

I went to pull the blanket off my body, but it wasn’t there.  I sat up and noticed I was sitting on the city park bench.  I was fully clothed and the man was sitting next to me.

Father – Good Morning, Sam.

Max – Who are you?

Father – Who am I?  That’s a good one.  Were you up too late again last night?

It was such a surreal feeling.  A dream.  I knew it wasn’t real, but if I actually became Sam, I didn’t want it to end.

Father – Get up, Sam.  Let’s go for a walk.

We just walked around the paths.  I don’t remember what we spoke about, I’m not even sure we were talking at all.  But one thing I do remember.  Everyone knew me.

Little Girl – Hi Sam!

Guy – Sup, Sam?

Lady – Good morning, Sam.  Pleasant morning, isn’t it?

Carrie – Nice to see you again, Sam.

Father – You look troubled, son.

What? Oh, right.  Sam had a father.  A real, live, breathing father.  And he was standing next to me.

Max – Dad?

Father – Yea, Sam?

I looked up at him.  A father.  A male adult who I can talk to.  I knew this was a dream simply because this was my personal dream.

Suddenly someone put their arm around my opposite shoulder.

Mom – Good Morning, Sam.

I looked over.

Max – Hi Mom.

Whoa.  It was my mother, but not as a drunk.  She was beautiful, happy, smiling.  Somehow, I instantly recognized her even though she looked like a whole new person.

Mom – I believe our son would like a cell phone.

Father – Well, Sam, just look around you.  Don’t you see all these smiling friendly faces?

Father – Look what is in each of their hands.

A cell phone.

Father – It’s yours to take.  You know how to do it.

I woke up.  I was back in the dump, this time with a blanket around me.

Steal a cell phone?  I can’t do that.  That goes against my code.  And forget the code, that just isn’t right. 

Stealing a shirt or a loaf of bread is for survival.  But a cell phone, a piece of electronics, that is for desire.  And I, Max, do not give in to desire.

Sam’s dad’s words were ringing in my head.

Father – It’s yours to take...

And Johnny’s.

Johnny – My name is Johnny.

Father – Look what is in each of their hands.

Johnny – You wanna meet up some time...

It was getting louder and louder as I stared at the ceiling.  I covered my ears and started humming to block their sound as they were both yelling at me to commit a crime. 

I couldn’t take it. 

Max – Fine I’ll go look!

I yelled out loud.  The voices stopped.  I took a deep breath as I wiped the sweat off my forehead.

This is ridiculous.

I was at the city park.  It was the middle of the summer, so a lot of kids my age were around.  I was wearing a plain tshirt and jeans to just look normal.  My heart was racing.  This just wasn’t cool.  It really bothered me what I convinced myself to do.

I looked around and sure enough, I saw phones sitting out or poking through a purse all over.  It really was that easy.  And as Sam’s dad told me, I ‘knew how to do it’. 

But how is this actually going to work?  I take it and then it becomes mine forever? No way.  It will become deactivated in a few days.  And then what do I say to Johnny?  Do I get a new cell number every week?

No, I just need it for a few days until I can see him and tell him who I really am. 

I saw a girl about my age that put her phone and wallet down for a minute.

I whispered.

Max – Sam, this is me digging your grave.

love perspective 5: justin

Ricky and Billie are insisting I tell a part of our story.  So I can promise you one thing right here.  I will be straight to the point.  I am no dreamer or philosopher.  I see things in black and white and will give you the exact truth. Nothing less.  What happens word for word, no commentary.  I think that is all you need to learn who I am.

So where did Ricky leave off.  Oh right.  I get to make fun of my brother.

Justin – What are you two queers hugging about?

Johnny – At least we get action.

That little douche bag.

We spent the rest of the afternoon doing the usual.  I don’t know why Billie always pulls us here.  We’ve done it every week, rain or shine, since we moved. Ricky usually comes up with some deep bs about why we all need to keep up the tradition anyway. 

We are gonna end it in a few months anyway.  So for now, I guess it’s not that bad.

I was out jogging later that day and I noticed this fine girl.  Very little clothes.  I like this age where women go jogging in these sports bras.

Justin – Hey gorgeous.

Maggie – No thanks.

That happens I guess.  But I’ll move on.  There is another girl worth fighting for anyway.

Justin – Well that just isn’t nice.

She gave me a look.  I like those looks.  It keeps me going.

Maggie – What would you say if you were me?

Justin – Well–

She was quick to put me to a stop.

Maggie – Never mind. Do you want anything?

Justin – You are new around here.

Maggie – Yeah, my family just moved here.

I think I forgot to get Ricky something for his birthday.

Justin – You around later? I have this friend.  Nothing like me.  You should meet him.

She looked away and sped up.  I yelled after her.

Justin – I think you missed the ‘nothing like me’ part.

I kept following her.  She wouldn’t call the cops or anything on me.  I could get Ricky a date.

Justin – I’m serious.  He’s intelligent.  We tend to call him ‘the philosopher’.  You’d like him.  A perfect guy.

She was thick.  I love the challenge.

Justin – You know, I bet he could show you around town.  Like where you can meet guys not like me.

She slowed down.  She was cracking.  I am good.

Maggie – Alright, will you leave me alone if I agree to meet him?

She wasn’t going anywhere if she got a date out of it.  I couldn’t resist playing around with her a little first.

Justin – That depends.  You have to tell me a little about yourself.  Where do you live?

She rolled her eyes and sped up again.

Justin – Awe, c’mon.  I just need to know a little to tell my buddy.

Maggie – Over on Trevis.

Justin – Oh yea? I guess we are neighbors.  You might have seen my buddy then.  He likes to sit outside on the curb.  Usually with the other neighbors.

She must have seen someone she liked on a curb, because she looked at me.

Justin – Blonde shaggy hair.  Looks like a dork.

Maggie – How about you just take my number and give it to him?

Justin – Yes ma’am.  I’m Justin by the way.

Maggie – Maggie.

I kissed her on the hand.  She was annoyed.  It was fun.

She gave me her number and we each went off on our separate jogs.

On my way back home I saw Ricky on the curb of course talking to Billie.

Justin – Hey Rick, I got you a gift.

He looked at me surprised and interested.

Justin – It’s a number.  See that house down there?

I pointed to where Maggie lived.

Justin – This chick moved in.  She’s our age.  You’d like her.  She turned me down. 

I pushed the two of them apart and sat between.  I put my arm around each of them.  Billie tried to escape my grasp, but I didn’t let her.  Ricky just took it like a man.

Ricky – Well, if she turned you down.

I think I annoyed Billie.  They must have been having a conversation.

I let go of Ricky and pulled the number out of my pocket.

Justin – Her name is Maggie.  You’d get a kick out of showing her around.  And heck, maybe you’ll finally get a girl out of it.

Ricky – Awesome, Thanks.

He was happy.  He took the number and put it in his pocket.

Justin – So what are we doing tonight?

Billie – Ricky and I were going to see a movie.

Justin – Sounds fun.

I don’t know why Billie always acted like I was intruding.  She gets mad when I don’t come, annoyed when I do.  Girls...

love perspective 4: ricky

Some say a flap of a butterfly wing in Kansas can cause a Tsunami in Japan. They call this the butterfly effect and I always wonder which of my thousands of daily decisions will lead to this phenomenon.

Today is the day the Trio of Trevis goes to my favorite place: the creek.  It’s not that far of a walk.  We just head north on our street, Trevis Ave, until it ends and horse trail picks up.  It’s about half a mile into the trees.  I love the place because of how peaceful and untouched it is. 

We live on the border of the city and rural farmland, so it seems everything is being knocked down and turned into a Walmart clone.  But the creek will never be touched because of land zoning.  So I can always count on it.  I know I can come back in 50 years and our three initials will still be carved in the same tree.

Every Wednesday since we met a dozen years ago we found ourselves at the same creek.  Today, we headed out around ten and Billie packed some sandwiches and drinks.  She always packs the same thing.  For herself, turkey with swiss, Justin takes his roast beef, and me, I am still a kid at heart.  I love a peanut butter sandwich.

Justin apparently slept in, so we were waiting outside his house for about ten minutes.  I didn’t mind.  Spending alone time with Billie is enjoyable.  She can be pretty quiet when the three of us are altogether.  I like just sitting on the curb listening what is on her mind.

Justin finally strolled out of the house, with his little brother, Johnny, right behind.  I don’t mind when he joins because it makes Justin act like a real human.  It proves to me I have something to strive for and my feelings aren’t for a shallow hog.  Plus, Johnny’s kinda cute.  He’s still in high school but I feel he fits in our group pretty well.

We started the walk. It was a cool summer morning.  The dew is still on the grass and the fog still needed to be burned off.

Billie – Justin you gotta tell me when Johnny is coming, so I can bring and extra sandwich.

Justin – Johnny is coming.

Typical Justin response.  He didn’t even blink an eye or change his expression.  Johnny walked in the back of the pack with Billie.  He must have said something like he already ate to Billie because she dropped the topic pretty quickly. 

I always found it interesting how similar Johnny and Justin looked.  Johnny was literally a Justin with “substance”.  Another reason I liked having him join. 

We walked all the way to creek bed and Justin immediately started skipping the new pebbles that last weekend’s storm brought in.

So how old are we? Billie and I were born on the same day some 18 years ago.  Justin is 17, his birthday in three weeks.  We finished high school last year and this is our last summer before we all head to the next challenge in life. 

Personally I am very anxious to move on and embrace my interests.  But I want the most out of this particular summer.  Because Billie can only keep us together for so long before our future pulls us apart.

I always started the conversations.  Usually from something I read online the night before.  Justin would always pick the opposite side and the two of us were off in another debate.  This time it was different.  Johnny walked up to me kinda nervously.

Johnny - Can we talk upstream?

Ricky - Sure.

I didn’t think much of this, as I’ve spent many nights at Justin’s and Johnny would usually find some reason to join, especially when we were all younger.  I always saw him as the brother I never had.

I looked over to see Justin yet again teaching Billie to skip rocks.  You’d think by now she would have learned.

We walked up around the creek bend and I sat on a rock.  Johnny sat on the pebbles facing the water while I was directly aimed at him.  I waited for him to speak.  It looked like he didn’t know where to begin.

Johnny – What do you think of my brother?

That was a weird question.  Johnny is different than my friend, I know that, but some times when I look at him, I expect something very similar to what would come out of Justin’s mouth.

Ricky - What do you mean? He’s my best friend, so that usually results in my liking him.

But there was indeed more than that.  I more than “liked” Justin.  I’ve had a thing for him for years.  But I could never tell anyone.  I’ve been in the closet for so long a layer of dust is covering my true self. 

Johnny – I dunno.

He still never turned to me, he threw a stone into the water.

Johnny – You’ve never had a girlfriend, and I dunno, I don’t mean to accuse you of anything.  But say you liked guys.  What would that mean?

I was in a bit of shock.  Could he know? How was that possible?  Did Justin know?

He had a good point.  I never dated.  How could he tell? Was it my voice.  You know when you hear your voice through a recording and it sounds different than you think.  I always thought my voice sounded “gay”.  Does that mean others noticed.  I felt a rush of blood come to my face.

Johnny finally turned to me.

Then it occurred to me. He is asking about himself.  I took a deep breath but covered it by slipping down and sitting closer to him.  He had a rock in his hand and I placed my hand on his.

Ricky – It’s okay man.  I don’t go that way, but it’s completely cool if you are.

I guess lying about this isn’t completely horrible.  It’s not as if Justin was asking me this. 

Johnny was quiet.  Honestly, what do you say when someone trusts you enough to come out.  It made me feel like an older brother.  To have a sibling, something I never experienced as an only child.

Johnny – Well don’t tell Justin.  I mean I don’t know what he’d say or do. And my parents...

Ricky – Johnny, you are my little brother.  You know you can trust me.

He looked back at the water. I could tell he was feeling kinda stupid.  I know I would be. It was my responsibility to say something.  The best thing to do would be to come out to him.  I know Johnny would keep it a secret.  But how would that feel?  To say it, to admit it.  To let something out that is deep inside me. 

That layer of dust suddenly seemed really thin.  I should do it.  I took a quiet breath.

Ricky – So how long have you known?

What? How did that happen?  I guess a quiet breath can’t prepare you.

Johnny – I met this guy the other day.  He caused my mind to behave in a way I never thought it could.  And I’ve been thinking about it more recently.  I think I’ve always just sort of knew, but wouldn’t admit it.  Like when I had sex with my last girlfriend...

Whoa, time out here. Even my best friend’s little brother isn’t a virgin these days.

Johnny – ...I just didn’t feel anything.  The whole time I was just thinking how awkward it was.  I probably just put up with it because that is the way we are raised.

Ricky – Makes sense.

What else do I say?  The two of us could sit and talk for hours about the same decisions and the struggles we both are independently going though.  I mean the last few things he said were as if he was giving advice to me.  Maybe we could both get through this together.

Nah.  I’m not as brave as Johnny.

Ricky – Well we should get back to the others.  I don’t want them thinking much of it.

Johnny – Eh.  I’m sure my brother is just unsuccessfully trying to woo Billie again.

We both laughed and stood up.  I knew I made the conversation shorter than Johnny wanted.  I felt bad about it.  But I really didn’t know what to say.  I would need to think this all over for a few days in my head.

Ricky – I don’t mean to make this short, but you can come to me whenever you want.  I’m always here for you, man.

He gave me a quick hug that you would give your mother.  It felt nice coming from someone who trusted me.

Johnny – Thanks.

Justin – What are you two queers hugging about?

love perspective 3: maggie

Quick, pretend you are on jeopardy.  Here is the clue: This book holds the world record as the best-selling copyrighted series.

If you said, ‘What is the Guinness Book of World Records?’ then you are right.  It must be cool to have your name put in there.  I bet I could come close in some categories.  Like the amount of times my family moved.  Or the amount of friends I go through. 

Being new is something I’m used to.  But I’ll bet my brother already complained to you about how horrible it is and how it ruined his life.  It probably does do something to him.  Not me.

I just got used to it.  I know that I have to quick make friends and get as much out of a friendship before my dad gets transferred.  I guess it helps that I’m more outgoing and not such a loner like Shane.

I wouldn’t say I feel bad for him, it’s more that I want him to be happy.  He is good hearted, but just unloved outside of our family.  I think that is what would pop that invisible bubble around him that just keeps people away.  If he only had someone else that loved him.

I introduce him to my friends.  I set him up on dates (which are a whole other issue). And no matter what, it is agreed he is nice, but he just has that bubble that pushes people away.  Who knows what else I can do for him.

So once again, we started settling into a new house.  My family has become pros at packing and unpacking.  We literally had all the boxes emptied in two days.  I knew now I’d have some free time to explore the neighborhood and meet some people.

It was around ten in the morning.  I decided to take the car out for a drive and explore the area.  See what was around.  I took this opportunity to try to get my brother out. 

His new room was right next to mine.  We both had views of the front yard.  Looking outside was very similar to every other place we called home.  Just rows and rows of mid-size baby boomer homes.

Shane never closed his door.  He didn’t have a reason to.  We always gave him his privacy.  I peeked in, he was sitting at his desk, which was up against the window.  I don’t think I could do that, because I would get distracted when doing homework.

I knocked on his door, letting him know I was coming in.

Maggie – So you got your computer set up already.

Shane – Yeah.  I think everything is all organized here.

He was playing the sims.  He usually was.  There was just something about that game that lured him in.  I used to debate to myself why.  But I reached a decent answer after he let me play it a few times.

You can control and create love and friendships and actual lives.  I think that is what Shane needs.  He hides it, but I know he wants friends.  He is just so used to being alone, he gave up on trying.  But in this game, he can overlook others interacting and creating friendships.

It is sort of the world he wishes he had.

It sounds bogus, but I’m pretty sure that is what keeps him addicted.

I sat on his bed.

Maggie – I like how you set up all the furniture.  You get a good view this way.

Shane – Thanks, I guess. How’s setting up your room?

That wasn’t too high on my priority list.  Finding a crowd, that’s always number one.

Maggie – It’s slow.  So, I think I’m gonna go drive around and see what’s around here.  You wanna keep me company?

I could tell he didn’t want to leave his game but he didn’t want to directly dis me.  I got the message.  He’s given it to me enough times before.  He looked at me and was trying to be quick about coming up with an excuse.

Shane – I think I’m gonna help mom make dinner later.

Maggie – It’s cool, don’t worry about it.  I’ll give you the full report when I get back including where you can meet some new guys to chill with.

He went back to his game.  I didn’t want to push him anyway. 

I went out to my car and started the drive.  The neighborhood seemed to have this jumpy vibe.  Everyone must wake up earlier and start their days outside.  Definitely very social.

I noticed this guy about my age sitting on a curb.  Blonde hair, pretty cute.  Maybe I could introduce myself.

Uh, maybe not.  I drove further and saw a girl sitting next to him.  She had that look in her eyes that as long as she was sitting right there next to him, she was happy.  I figured they were dating and continued on.  I hate when someone intrudes when I am with a boyfriend.

The town was a lot like any other suburbia.  I passed a few parks, the high school, where I can go shopping.  Places like that. Overall, I think it gave me a good perspective.

I also found where I could go jogging.  So later on I put on my running gear and worked on a creating my daily course. 

I wasn’t the only one jogging.  There were plenty of people of all ages doing the same.  I noticed this guy coming up on me.  He looked like a complete douche who was full of himself.  And believe me I have experience and can spot them from a mile away.

Justin – Hey gorgeous.

love perspective 2: johnny

You ever go to do something productive and something entirely different and unexpected comes out of it?  Where it is life changing.  Like you go to the store to buy a shirt and come home with a dog and no shirt.  That is what happened to me.

My name is Johnny.  I’m 16 years old.  I’m not a jock or a nerd.  I’m somewhere in the middle.  Most people see me and say hi.  I like my life.  Everything just feels too perfect, almost as if something is going to happen, something drastic.

I have one sibling.  An older brother: Justin.  I think of him as an idol and probably my best friend.  And I know somewhere in him he feels the same towards me.  He gives off a vibe that he is a jerk and he is better than you, but that’s not who he is.  It’s a mask, I’m sure of it.  And I know that I am the only person who can remove it.

Justin – I love this Lee trade.  Five starts, five wins.  And we only gave up a few prospects.

Johnny – Haha, yeah it is great.

Justin – I swear they better give him a long term contract.  He is worth it.

Johnny – I agree.  But you know management.  I just hope they realize it too.

We were watching the baseball game.  It was one of those rare day games on a random weekday.  I always enjoy these games because just Justin and I watch them together. 

I have plans to go find Justin a birthday gift later today.  With my mom or a friend, I could just get a gift card, you know, something simple and easy.  But not with Justin.  It’s just part of our relationship.  We always try to outdo the last gift.  Plus, I kinda like shopping for him.

I was meeting with a friend after the game.  Logan is an interesting guy.  We met a few years ago in school, not really all too interesting of a start, he was just in a lot of my classes.  But now we hang out a lot.  Next to Justin, he’s probably my other best friend.

Logan and I are part of the same crowd of people and we have very similar interests.  We talk about baseball, girls, really anything. 

But the one interest that we both have is our artistic, creative skills.  Specifically we both like photography and video cameras.  My brother bought me a Nikon D60 and it quickly became my favorite toy.

We have a YouTube channel where we make these short skits.  He writes most of them, while I do the filming and technical parts.  I think we have about 300 subscribers after a few months.  Not too bad.

The game ended, so I headed to the mall where I was to meet Logan.  As usual I arrived first and waited about 15 minutes for Logan.  Once he got there he immediately said he wanted to check out the music store.  There was some new CD he wanted to look at.

The music store was right by the main entrance, so we didn’t have too far of a walk.  Once in we each went to different sections.  I walked over to the demo station and put the headphones on.  I just skipped around listening to what was newly released. 

A few minutes later I looked over to Logan.  He started talking to someone.  I knew where this was going.  I love Logan, but he can get really distracted.  I wanted to be able to shop for Justin, so I had to end whatever he was doing.

Johnny – Logan, you ready? We can get all this stuff online.

Logan – Yeah, I was just talking music with... what’s your name?

The sooner I say hello, the sooner we can move on.  I placed my hand out to shake his hand. 

Max – Hi, I’m S-

My hand touched his as our eyes made contact at the exact same second.

He stopped.  I did too. 

He choked for a second and shook his head like he woke up from one of those dozers that happen in math class.

Max - -Sax, I mean Sam, Sam Allen.

That was weird.  What just happened.  Time felt like it stopped.

Logan – Okay, sorry dude, we are headed out, nice meeting you.

Logan was apparently completely oblivious of the exchange Sam and I just had.  Time must not have stopped for him.  In fact I’m not 100% sure I knew what happened.

Johnny – Yeah okay.

I didn’t know what else to say.  Both our eyes were still fixed on each other.

I broke our staring contest and walked past him as Logan was already a few steps in front of me.  I walked straight following his steps not moving my head at all.

As I left the store, I took a peek back, maybe to try to figure out what just happened.  He was in the same position, hand still out.  What was that?

All I know is I lost all my focus.  I was supposed to be coming up with the perfect gift for Justin.  But my mind just wouldn’t concentrate.  I kept replaying that exchange in my head.

All that happened was I wanted to leave and I knew how to control Logan.  I had to introduce myself to some stranger, some guy I never met before.  This kid, Sam.  So I put my hand in his hand.  And time stopped.  This amazing light show of colors and feelings swallowed my whole body.  My mind went numb only to be woken up by Logan’s voice acting as an electric shock to get my heart pumping blood again.

By far this is the weirdest feeling I’ve ever had.  And I have no idea what it was.

The boy’s face and feeling of our hands touching was stuck in my mind.  I couldn’t focus.  And I needed to.

I needed some fresh air.  I lied to Logan that I left my wallet in my car.  He believed it, but followed me out.  He started yapping I think about a new sketch idea.  But I didn’t take any of it in, as I just nodded and agreed with everything he said. 

The walk to my car literally felt like an eternity.  But by the time we made it back to the mall’s entrance I was breathing again.  The air did focus my mind. 

We continued searching all kinds of stores for a gift.  It was difficult, but more so was trying to figure out who this Sam was and why he had this power over me.

About 45 minutes later, I saw Sam sitting at a table by himself at the food court.  I had to approach him again.  See what this light show was all about.  But how could I get away from Logan?

Logan – Hey, let’s go check out Abercrombie.  I need a new pair of pants.

Logan somehow must have subliminally known I needed a perfect excuse to get away from him.  So I took it.

Johnny – I don’t want to watch you put on pants.  I’m gonna go over to that sports collectible store on the other side of the mall.  I’ll meet up with you later.

He didn’t suspect anything.  I walked towards the food court.  I had to act cool and seem like I did not follow him over here.  You know, act smooth.

So I ordered a smoothie from ‘Fruit Sensation’.  I looked around, trying to nonchalantly get him to make eye contact with me and call me over.  He wasn’t doing anything, just staring at the table.  Maybe he wasn’t friendly.

I figured I could walk past him and act like I recognized him.  He was at a table at the end of a row anyway.  It wouldn’t be that awkward.  It’s not like we were complete strangers.

Johnny – Sam?

I stopped by his table.  He didn’t respond.  Did I get his name wrong?  But he did notice me.  He looked at my feet and slowly moved his eyes up my body.

Johnny – You’re Sam, right? You were talking to my buddy about some music.

His eyes once again made contact with mine.  The feeling was back.  I was being swallowed.  Except I noticed his face transformed instantly from a sad puppy to a kid on Christmas morning.  Max – Oh, Hi.  How’s it going?

His voice lit up as well.

Johnny – Not bad, I was just grabbing a quick snack while my friend is shopping.

Max – Logan, right?

Johnny – Yeah.  Sorry about ending your conversation with him so abruptly.  Logan can just get very distracted and we were on a tight schedule.

A tight schedule? We are teenagers, in the summer.  Like he’d believe that.  What a stupid thing to say.

Max – Don’t worry about it.  I don’t think I caught your name.

Johnny – My name is Johnny.  Johnny Harris.

Max – Well it’s nice to meet you again, Johnny.

He put his hand out again.  Should I shake it again?  Will it put me back into a spell?  Maybe he’s a wizard and can stop time with a touch.  What? That’s ridiculous.  Snap out of it, Johnny. 

I shook his hand.  Time didn’t stop, but the sensation went through my body again.

Max – You wanna join me?

He lightly pushed out the chair opposing his with a foot and looked down and realized he had nothing in front of him. 

Max – I just finished eating myself, digesting now.

I sat down.  What do I say? I couldn’t just ask him why he has this power over me.  That would be really creepy.  But I want to know.  It was eating away at me.

We still had eye contact.  But he broke the silence.

Max – You live around here?

Johnny – Yeah, about 3 miles up route 12.

Max – I just moved here, a few days ago actually.  I was just checking out the area.

Johnny – Where did you move to?

He stalled for a second.  Maybe he doesn’t remember the area that much.  Now I’m making him feel stupid.  Good move, Johnny.  Way to break the ice about this chill topic.

Max – Around the same area.

Johnny – Oh really, so you’ll be going to highland?

He looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about.  Way to do it again, Johnny.  You are making this damn guy so confused.  He is new to this area.  Of course he won’t know what the name of the high school is.  It’s the middle of the summer.  Who cares?

Max – Is that the high school around here?

Johnny – Yeah, sorry.  I forgot you are not from this area.  I go to Highland High School.  I am guessing you will go there to.  This whole area is in the school district.

Sam again looked shocked.  Not really sure what to say.  Each time he would lose a little bit of his smile.  As if I was sucking life out of him.

The smile popped back.

Max – Well I guess I’ve made my first friend.

I couldn’t stop looking at him.  His smile and eyes burned inside of me.  It was this feeling I can’t explain to you.

There was something about him, I couldn’t let him go.  I had to keep him to myself.

We started in on this conversation about each of our lives.  I told him about my brother and finding a perfect gift.  He explained that he moved here because his mom just got this big promotion in the city and his dad had these great plans to open a shoe store.

Something about him made me feel like I was just lucky to talk to him.  I certainly was loving every second of it.  A bomb could have exploded right in the mall, and I wouldn’t have cared as long as this table stayed intact.

I have no idea how long we were talking, but my cell phone rang.  It was Logan.

Logan – Where are you, you aren’t in this sports store?

Johnny – Oh sorry, I am in a different store.

Damn.  Why did I say that.  Why not just say I was sitting in the food court?  But I didn’t want Logan to know that.  I wanted to keep this boy all for myself.  But Sam could tell I was lying.  He was probably thinking I’m a liar or a fake. Damn it, Johnny.

I told Logan I’d meet him in front of Auntie Anne’s in a few minutes.  I just didn’t want the two of them meeting again.

Johnny – Well I gotta run.  It was really nice talking to you.

Max – Definitely.

He put his hand out to shake mine again.  Here we go again.  That chill.  I was in love with it.

I didn’t want to lose him though.  I had to find a way to see him again.

Johnny – Say, you are new around here.  You wanna meet up some time and I’ll show you around the town?

Max – That would be great.  I’d love to get to know the area.

Johnny – What’s your number?

That look was back.  His smile dimmed.

Max – I’m actually getting a new cell with this area code and they haven’t activated our home phone yet.  How about you give me yours and I’ll get back to you.

That made sense.  I gave him my number and headed off.

I turned around once more as he said good-bye.  His face, his smile, his eyes, his gentle touch.  What was wrong with me that this random stranger was taking over my mind?

I was in such a good mood, that I forgot Logan was probably going to be wondering where I was.  I had to come up with something quick.  Good thing I still had the smoothie in my hand.

Logan – Where on earth were you?

Johnny – I went in a few other stores, but I got thirsty, so I went over to the food court. 

Logan – Yeah, whatever.  You just made me walk all the way over to this side of the mall when we could have just met up at the food court.  It’s right outside of Abercrombie.

Johnny – Sorry.

Logan – You know you really are acting weird today?

Of course I am.  I just met the most beautiful man in the world.  Wait, what? Did I just say that to myself? I called a man beautiful.  I’m not gay.  Oh jesus, I need some air again.

Johnny – Hey, let’s head out.  I’m not finding anything here.

Logan – Well I’m gonna stick around here, I need to go into a few stores now that I’m not on a wild goose chase to find you.

Johnny – Sorry man. I’ll catch you later.

Logan – Yeah, go get some sleep.  You must be sick, the way you are acting.

I’m glad he didn’t follow me out.  I needed to think.  I walked to my car and sat in it.  I put the key in the ignition but that was all.  I stared forward.

What just happened today?  I called a man beautiful and his face was stuck in my head.  I have no idea what this means.  I just know I want to see him again.  And the desire was churning in my stomach.

Then it occurred to me.  I can.  I’ll just go back into the food court.  I didn’t see him get up.  As I walked over, I felt the sensation from his touch.  It was getting stronger with every step through the parking lot, in the vestibule, and once inside it stopped.  Sam was gone.

It felt like a brick hit me.  The excitement of seeing him again was knocked out of me instantly.

So I drove back home. And purposely avoided Justin.  If Logan thought I was acting weird, Justin would definitely pick it up.  And I didn’t want to tell him I called a man beautiful.

I needed to think, so I decided to take a bath.  I filled up the tub and took off my clothes.  I sank my body into the warm water.  All I could think was the bathroom door would swing open and Sam would walk through. 

I envisioned just standing up, soaking wet, bare naked, and walking straight up to him.  I wanted to touch him.  Touch his body, touch his lips.  Let my soaking body transfer the warm water to his clothes.

Johnny, wake up.  What are you thinking?

I took a deep breath and submerged my whole body underwater.  I opened my eyes and stared through the water up at the ceiling.  The small waves made the world look blurry.

This is what I was seeing.  The last few hours my entire world changed.  I suddenly had a new perspective on life.  I called a man beautiful.

So I am gay? Is that it? I guess that isn’t too bad.  But I’ve liked girls before.  At least I think I have.  So does make me bisexual?

I don’t know.

I need advise.

And who do I always go to for advise?  Justin.  But I just can’t do that to him.  I can’t tell him his little brother is gay.  What would he think of me?  I couldn’t risk losing him.

But I had to tell someone.

Who can I trust?  The only people I trust the same way I trust Justin is the other two of his trio, Billie and Ricky.  I couldn’t say this to a girl, that would just feel weird. 

It had to be Ricky. 

And soon.

love perspective 1: max

There is one thing that makes humans so unique: everyone is different.  People have different jobs, different lifestyles, different friends.  But one thing that is consistent is everyone has hobbies and interests.  Some can be considered quirks, some are helpful to society, and some no one else knows about.  But me, I like people.

What do I mean by liking people?  More specifically, I like to watch people.  You know, learn their antics, study their speech and accent, experience their culture. And it’s not just learning about an old irish guy on the street corner yelling at squirrels.  It’s everybody. 

I like to just go down to the park and watch the kids play basketball.  See the housewife take her dog and kid on a walk… both on leashes.  Watch an obvious drug deal go down.  Maybe take a stroll over to the shopping mall and see the old guy sitting outside the dollar store with his wife of 50 years inside.  Watch the 13 year old first discovering what a Hot Topic is or going on a first mall date.

But the one thing is I’m not stalkerish about it.  I will watch people, but I will also introduce myself.  I like to meet all these people.  I don’t care who they are, young or old, black or white, everyone has an interesting story.  And I want to hear it.

Some people tell me I’m extremely outgoing.  It certainly seems that way if you just met me.  But I call it curiosity.  It’s all part of who I am.  I am very curious about everything.  I love learning something new.  It doesn’t matter what it is.

I just don’t have access to learn that much.  I mean my school is pretty lame.  It’s got the lowest test scores in the state, which in turn means they don’t get that much money to buy us books or computers. 

And my house; forget that.  Well actually, I did find a magazine once when I was a kid.  Except I found it in between the mattress before my dad went to prison. You kinda get where this is going.

You can tell how hard it is to actually challenge myself and learn something new around here.  But I think I’d go crazy if I didn’t have this curiosity to learn.  I guess that is why I started to explore and study human traits.  Simply because it is something I have access to learn.  People are everywhere.

And this hobby has made me who I am.  I can act like anyone, from any society, any culture, any class.  I have to because imagine me putting on the last shirt my mom ever bought me and going to the rich suburbs and offering to help an old lady cross the street.  She’d think I would rob her.

Which I hate.  Because I do have to steal.  I have to get clothes, food, school supplies...  If I go to my mom she tells me to just take from my dad’s closet.  Problem is, he is twice my size. 

I do have a code of ethics with this horrible task my life has placed on me.  I will only take what I absolutely need.  And I will only take from large chain stores that have so much turnover they would never notice.  And I won’t go to the same place twice.  I’ve had one too many close encounters. 

So where does this leave me right now? I’m in a city park.  It’s in center city, but I liked the walk over.  It took about four hours.  It probably would only take two, but I took the long way, investigating some new streets and neighborhoods.  I left around 8 anyway.  I knew I should arrive around noon because that is when most people are on their lunch breaks.

I started listening in on a phone conversation a white mid-thirties woman was having.  She’s dressed very professionally; respectable suit with her brunette hair pulled back into a tight bun.  She looked like she had a tough morning in the office.

From the sounds of it, her kid must have done something at school and she had to talk him or her out of trouble.  She must have been successful because she carefully closed her flip phone and kept it in her hands for a few seconds as she sighed.

She walked over to the lunch truck and placed an order, still looking pretty stressed.  I figured the vendor probably wouldn’t do a good job soothing her.  So I decided to work my magic.

I knew the area I was headed to this morning, so I put on a nice collared shirt.  I could easily pass off for a freshmen in the university.  It’s been a lot easier recently because my voice changed and my face started to elongate.  I could pass off as a mature 13 year old or young looking college student.  I knew my range.

Max – Can I have one hot dog, please?

I pulled out a map of the city.  I came prepared to appear new to the area.  Or maybe a tourist.  Both are pretty easy.

Max – This sure is a large city.  If this was a vacation with my parents, I could hear my mom yelling at me to stay close and not get into trouble.

I looked at the woman.  She seemed surprised I was talking to her, but not exactly the type who’d blow me off.

Lady – It can be, you just need to know where things are.

Max – I just started at the university.  I’m really excited to explore around here.  Back at home I have to walk a mile just to see my neighbor.

Lady – Mmmh

Max – How long have you lived here?

Someone like this you have to ask about their life.  They will tell you anything if you attack it the right way.  Probably I could get the most out of her if I directed the conversation towards her kid.

Lady – I’ve worked here since college.  I don’t live around here, I take the train.

Max – Oh really? Where are you from?

Lady – Not too far out, it’s a 40 minute ride up north.

Max – The train ride must be relaxing after a long day in the office.

Lady – Well I’m gonna need it when I get home.  My son nearly got suspended today.

Yeah, moving to her kid was the right move.  Though I didn’t expect her to blurt that out.

Max – Oh wow? My little brother used to get in trouble all the time.

Lady – I don’t think there is anything I can do to get him to behave.

Max – You never know, my brother stopped.

Lady – He out grow it?

Max – No, see my dad learned a neat trick.  You gotta punish him the right way.

She looked interested as her face brightened up.

Vendor – Garden Salad.

Lady – Oh, that’s me.  Hey are you eating by yourself? I can point out a few places you would like on your map and you can tell me these tricks.

I’m too good.  Years of practice I guess.  Sure I don’t have a little brother, but she doesn’t need to know that.  I’ve used this story about a dozen times.  It’s actually directly from this guy I met a year or so ago.

I waited for the hot dog.  I always order the cheapest item on the menu that looks like a full lunch, otherwise someone would get suspicious that I don’t have any money.  We walked back into the park and sat on a bench.

Max – I’m Sam by the way, Sam Allen.

Sam Allen was the last guy I talked to.  I put my hand out to shake her hand as she told me her name is Carrie Campbell.

Carrie – So how did your father get your brother straightened out?  I could use any advice.

Max – See the thing is, I don’t mean to make assumptions or anything, but most parents have these lame punishments.  Like ‘you’re grounded’ or ‘no computer’.  But a kid doesn’t really care.  What does being grounded mean anyway?

She nodded like I was explaining her life.

Max - You have to get creative.  Make the punishment fit the crime.  Like when my brother played hookie with the rest of his friends to go to the shore and surf, my dad made him hold a surfboard over his head for 30 minutes.  And if he dropped it, the clock started over.

Carrie – Yeah but isn’t that child abuse?

Max – Not really.  What’s my brother gonna do, call the police and say, ‘My dad made me hold my own surfboard.’?  They’ll just laugh at him.  Or when he used to sneak food into his room for midnight snacks, my dad removed his door for a month.  See you aren’t directly punishing them, you merely providing annoyances.  And I’ll tell you those really affect a kid. 

We chatted for about twenty minutes until her lunch break was over.  She was definitely relaxed and ready to attack the last 4 hours of her job and as I completed mine.  She was pretty easy.  It’s amazing how much people like talking once you get them started.  And I can crack anyone.

I looked around the park and I didn’t really feel like doing the same thing.  With this area it’s always the same thing: act like I’m a college student, talk about someone’s kid or spouse.  I wanted to do something different.

As much as I explore the city, there is one place I never go.  And that is across the bridge into the suburbs.  I feel like I need to leave it be.  Because that is my dream.  That is where I want my future and I don’t want to spoil any surprises.

But one thing I do is go up to the bridge and look around.  As much as I love to talk to people, I also love to be by myself and simply look at an old truss over water or walk through some trees and follow a trail of footprints to a rabbit’s nest.

That was how I wanted to spend the rest of my day.  After talking to Carrie it made me want to have that American life style.  So I’d just look across the bridge for awhile. 

I made it home sooner than I thought.  It took 15 minutes under two hours.  I wanted to change into a plain tshirt and jeans.  I try to keep the nicer clothes clean. 

It was around 3 and to no surprise, my mom was still passed out on the couch.  I just sighed, fluffed up a pillow and placed it under her head.  As much as she embarrasses me, I can’t just give up on her.  Maybe all this social experimentation of mine I can use to fix her one day.  One can only hope.

The river is about a half hour walk west.  Once there I sat in my usual position on the rail looking over the edge.  There was something about staring into the water that was really comforting.  It got me thinking.  Why have I been so reluctant to cross the bridge.  It’s no different that talking to someone in center city.

So I decided.  I detached myself from the railing and crossed.  It felt weird because I honestly had no idea where anything was.  So I just followed the road that lead to the bridge. 

Eventually it took me to a mid-size mall.  The name sounded familiar, but it was all new to me.  I decided to find someone my age to talk to.  It had been awhile.

It looked like any mall from the inside.  There were all your normal stores, a few anchor stores, but really nothing special.  I have no idea why I was so reluctant to come over here before.  I spotted two guys walking into the music store that looked my age.  They didn’t look too uptight, so I wandered into the back of the store.

They split apart and one came closer to where I was.  I was poking through the CDs.  I never actually bought a CD, no way to play it.  There is a radio at my house, so I listen to some random stations.  I have to stay current on what going on in the world, especially with my hobby.

I picked up a Green Day CD titled ‘Dookie’.  It sounded familiar.

Logan – That’s a classic, man.

I acted like I knew what it was.

Max – Yeah it is.  This is one you never stop seeing in stores.

Logan – Have you heard their new CD?

Max – Yeah, its pretty good.

Logan – What’s your favorite song on it?

I could pretend I know.  Just smoothly pick up the CD, I saw one that had a ‘newly released’ sticker on it.  You know, point out some songs and make up some bs.  But tying a shoe is harder than getting out of this question.

Max – Man, you gotta respect the roots.  This old stuff here is where it’s at.

Logan – Very true.

The other kid walked over.  I hadn’t seen him up close yet.

Johnny – Logan, you ready? We can get all this stuff online.

Logan – Yeah, I was just talking music with... what’s your name?

Max – Hi, I’m S-

I started to say my name for the day and put my hand out to shake, but something happened.  I looked at the other guy’s eyes and my mind stalled.  My body actually froze.  This never happened.  I’m the king of being smooth.  What was going on?

I felt like I was in a slow mo replay of a golf swing.  As he put his hand in mine a chill came through the touch like an electric shock, up my arm and all the way down my spine.  It paralyzed me.

I couldn’t move.

love perspective series one intro

When telling my story there is really no way to start. I could tell you the world is perfect and everyone’s wishes come true, but that would be a lie. The story I want to share I’m guessing you’ve never heard before.

I love a good disney story where everyone winds up living happily ever after. Even the lonely janitor in two scenes of an entire movie finds love. I bet even part of you falls for its bs. I just hope a happily ever after is possible.

I guess I’ll start by saying who I am. I am Billie. I am six foot. Blonde. Sexy. And everyone wants me or wants to be me. I am skilled at everything.

You can give me anything and I’ll figure it out. I can build you a bike or bake you a cake. Beat you in basketball or write you a poem. I’m the head cheerleader and president of the math club.

Well, not really. That is who I wish I was. Maybe I would be noticed if I had a tenth of those qualities. I am Billie. More like 5 and a half foot. Still Blonde. The rest is just me in a fictional world that exists only in my head.

I’ve always wanted to be good at something or be known to have one particular skill. To have people see me and say, “Hey Billie, nice work today”. You know, to be known for something.

I want to have a boyfriend and be able to break up and have the next one in line. To be “hot”. But you can’t be everything.

Who am I?

I am just plain old Billie.

Yeah that is me. A girl with a boy’s name. And what’s worse is I don’t think I have a single “girl” friend. I’m the girl with the boy name that hangs with all the guys. Does it not scream dyke?

It’s okay. I am stuck with my two best friends: Justin and Ricky.

We are an interesting trio. We all met in elementary school when our parents all moved to the same neighborhood at the same time. Ricky always explains that it was fate or destiny. To me it all depends on the future.

The three of us were the “new kids” so we had trouble making friends the first day. So, we stayed together. And it stuck. Now it’s 12 years later.

So to further understand my story I should tell you more about my two buddies. First off you can’t help but notice Justin.

He’s cool, confident, skilled, and he loves to pick a fight and debate it out. He’s so good he can win an argument that the sky isn’t actually blue. But with all the trickery comes a lot of sarcasm. The thing about Justin is you love and hate him.

Oh and he’s wanted me for way too long. But I just want him as a friend. There is no other way. Even though he will never give it up. That pretty much sums him up. Because with Justin I don’t think there is anything deep about him.

No, I take that back. There is part of him that proves he’s human. He cares about someone: his little brother, Johnny.

And then there is my sweetheart, Ricky.

I wish.

He’s sweet and romantic and his eyes.. oh crap. That keeps happening. Let me try this again.

I don’t know if I’d call him “emo” because I don’t think he would ever cut his wrist or go sulk in the corner with his bangs over his eyes. Heck who even knows what emo really means? But if I had to describe his personality in one word I’d call him emo.

He usually has something on his mind and I can tell it comes from somewhere deep within him. He tends to start these philosophical debates and he and Justin will argue it out for hours. I usually just sit and let their voices calm me down as my eyes fall into a daze.

And no, Ricky is not always what I’m staring at.

I guess that goes back to me. I gave you a little about myself but it’s hard to explain yourself to a stranger. Who am I? I guess I could just throw some adjectives out there. That is easy enough.

I am quiet, definitely quiet. Creative. As I usually come up with our daily endeavors. And a bit of a dreamer, which you can already tell. But I would consider myself strong. I am the strong one in my trio of friends because in the end, I always pull us back together.

That is my one desire: to keep us friends. My dorky dream is to have the three of us living in three (or two if Ricky and I work out) houses right in a row in some suburban town in 20 years. So if that happens I guess I would agree with Ricky’s idea of fate.

I guess that is all I can say in the first chapter of my story. Introductions seem to make sense as I open the bridge into my life. Now I just have to find a good part to start explaining everything to you.

Talk to you soon.

Billie

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Everyone has something they don’t like to reveal. It can be about anything. You don’t know how to ride a bike or you never learned to swim. Maybe you are afraid of what others think, no matter what it is, everyone has some hidden secret.

I definitely have some secrets. Like my dad is in prison and let’s just say my mom isn’t exactly living a proud life. I guess I live in what is called the slums. But no one needs to know this. My entire school has no idea. For all they know I am from a normal middle class family with a mom, dad, and white picket fence.

Sometimes I need to cover this by doing some actions I am not proud of. I have to steal to get food and clothes and make myself appear part of this ordinary American family.

However, there is one thing about me I am not embarrassed about. I’m gay. Proud of it. I’m not flamboyant or whatever. Most people don’t guess it. But I won’t hide it or cover it with a lie if someone asks.

I would definitely consider myself quite normal. In fact, I think I break all the stereotypes when it comes to homosexuals.

So who am I?

I am Max.

I’m going to be a junior this year. I’m 15 years old. I skipped a grade because this dump of a school I’m forced to attend really isn’t all that hard. I just know I’m not meant to live here.

I should be on the other side of the river. You know, where the suburbs start, where people don’t sit in front of their house smoking all day. Where people have jobs and make good money and come home to their 2.3 kids.

Yeah, that is my dream. Not to be anybody famous, but just be a normal person who loves who they are.

I’ve dated a few guys here and there, but they just aren’t what I want. The relationships are short and shallow. They never do anything for me.

I’m still looking for Mr. Perfect. Who knows where he is. But I just know I need to find him and soon. I don’t think I can take these slums any more. I’m ready to say good riddance and cross that bridge.

--------------

I think I’ve moved so many times in my life that I stopped trying to make real friends. I’ve lived in seven homes in twelve years. I’m sick of being the new kid. That is all I ever am. I’m never anywhere longer than two years. I swear you can just call me Shane the new guy.

Again I’m headed to the start of a new home. Except for once I don’t need to be the new kid. Why is that? Because this year I am starting college. So everyone is new. I will really like that feeling.

I’m just attending whatever the local community college is. I am not even sure what the name is. I just know I can’t afford a big university for all four years. So I’ll split it.

One thing about moving is I have a twin sister who will always be there.

Her name is Maggie. She is much more outgoing than I am. She always manages to make new friends no matter where we are.

And she always finds me a few along the way. Which I can’t complain about because I’m not the greatest at finding likeable peers. Maybe I’m just uptight, I dunno. But I have a lot of trust issues.

It probably all goes back to moving around so much. It’s just not what I’m meant for. I need to be stationary and develop a real friendship with someone. Maybe then I would learn about myself and not just sit in my room all the time.

I just hope this place is different. Especially because I think we will stay here while I go through college. And college is where you meet the friends you remain close to for the rest of your life. At least I think I read that somewhere.

Plus I’m 18 now. So I can stay behind if my dad gets transferred again. Here’s to hoping. We are crossing the bridge into my new town now.

-Shane